She pretended to be Little Girl Lost, thinking that's what he wanted.
He, being well-mannered, ordered for her in restaurants. Always the lamb chops. He presumed she liked them; she never said a word to the contrary.
He pretended to be Big Strong Daddy, thinking that's what she wanted.
She, being reverential, went down on him twice a week. He assumed she liked to; she did nothing to dissuade him.
They made a lovely, though perfectly ordinary, couple.
He, a key jiggler when conversing at parties, smiled quite often— as that sort of man is wont to do. And when she, at the decent age of thirty-two, slit her wrists in their white-on-white bathroom, no one was surprised— save he.
The funeral was properly tearful; it was I who'd sent the Wedding Day camellias.
you have such amazing insight into the foibles and tragedies and the ... the ways of human need/interaction, etc.
you...oh, your work has always simply gotten me/got to me ...you have a way with universal & personal truths and your Poetry, well..
you, for me, so long gone, ah, Patricia, Ms. Gomes!
(How I wish I was around more...damn, but...life, sigh~)
for me, this, well...brilliant, read it slowly alud silently and wondered and that ending...smashed me right where it was meant...God, I love your work!
powerful, eloquent, more!.....
m.
I'm conflicted about Trainee Poet's review. On the one hand I've been waiting for the day when someone would come along and actually give a constructive review instead of the same ol' platitudes. On the other hand, the "poet" hasn't got a clue what he's talking about. I'm betting, for example, there's a reason "Little Girl Lost" is in caps. I'm guessing it's the title of the cliche that she plays. Ditto that, "Big Strong Daddy." Anyone? Also, let's see here...yup, the semicolon belongs there. And so on and so forth. Look, poetry isn't all about textbook rules--the primary thing is to have a strong voice and know the rules so that you can confidently demolish them. This is a good poem. If yer gonna be all "Look at me! I'm a poet!" at least have the courtesy to tell us you're still in training. Oh wait...you did. My bad.
Reviewed by Kate Clifford (Reader)
Reviewed on August 22, 2005
The truth in this write is staggering! Great write.
Reviewed by Trainee Poet (Reader)
Reviewed on August 18, 2005
I have a few nits:
While "little girl lost" is a cliche, but then it fits well. In second strophe an enjambment between lines 3 and 4, with "Always" (adverb) ommited may be better. Again "big strong daddy" is a cliche, but fits quite well under the circumstance. Line 5 in next strophe can do well replacing the semicolon with a comma. In the concluding line "properly tearful" is kind of an oxymoron, which gives good mileage...but it takes away the high standards this minimalist post
sets. Last line is little too long, considering the slow pace this poem moves with. At last, there are 22 pronouns in such a short poem, which can reduce its value!
I have found some excellent points about this post, especially your enjambment decisions and budgeting of cliches (coz this type of topic will invariably bring cliches into action). You have maintained a nice tension, and more importantly, a balance between emotion and sense. The sensitive and sensible narrative has more than compensated for the small technical things I have mentioned!
clapping! Hi Pat, loved it as I do all your work, you do of course realise that you could write "Mary had a little lamb" backwards and I'd still give you a standing ovation! lol
missed you!
WOW. Powerfully expressed moral. Lose the communication, you lose it all...DON'T I KNOW IT. That's what happened between me and my ex...we stopped communicating except to fight, and then we didn't WANT to talk to each other. The marriage died...well done!
Jerry, my love, the point is the lack of communication on both sides. No one, male OR female, except maybe Jackie Stallone, is a mind reader.
I loathe women who feign helplessness as much as I loathe the key jigglers.
Reviewed by Jerry Bolton (Reader)
Reviewed on July 15, 2005
So! The moral is, don't order for your wife, don't come of manly, don't expect blowjobs, don't jiggle your keys and hide the razors. LOL Sorry, Patricia, my mind is evil today. Funny you brought up the lambchops, if you want check out the novel I have on these days you might get a kick out of it, not Chapter 1 but the very first one.
A further collection of poems, many from years in the Middle East, but also the California San Francisco and Central Coast areas (Santa Cruz, Carmel, Big Sur, Berkeley, etc.).
My book of poetry is being redone by me, I have a beautiful cover designed and the book will have a few more than 200 poems in it. I am going to have it printed on demand here in Canada. When it is done I will let you know when it is done and if anyo
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you...oh, your work has always simply gotten me/got to me ...you have a way with universal & personal truths and your Poetry, well..
you, for me, so long gone, ah, Patricia, Ms. Gomes!
(How I wish I was around more...damn, but...life, sigh~)
for me, this, well...brilliant, read it slowly alud silently and wondered and that ending...smashed me right where it was meant...God, I love your work!
powerful, eloquent, more!.....
m.
While "little girl lost" is a cliche, but then it fits well. In second strophe an enjambment between lines 3 and 4, with "Always" (adverb) ommited may be better. Again "big strong daddy" is a cliche, but fits quite well under the circumstance. Line 5 in next strophe can do well replacing the semicolon with a comma. In the concluding line "properly tearful" is kind of an oxymoron, which gives good mileage...but it takes away the high standards this minimalist post
sets. Last line is little too long, considering the slow pace this poem moves with. At last, there are 22 pronouns in such a short poem, which can reduce its value!
I have found some excellent points about this post, especially your enjambment decisions and budgeting of cliches (coz this type of topic will invariably bring cliches into action). You have maintained a nice tension, and more importantly, a balance between emotion and sense. The sensitive and sensible narrative has more than compensated for the small technical things I have mentioned!
This is only the second poem going to my library.
Trainee Poet
Reindeer
Ron
missed you!
God bless,
Sandie.
Well written!!
Love Tinka
its meaning to the senses...
Eileen
(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :(
I loathe women who feign helplessness as much as I loathe the key jigglers.