I LOST IT

That which I had at the beginning,

I lost.

It was not taken from me.

I lost it..

Guiltily and gleefully I lost it,

Guiltily because all I knew told me

Losing it meant losing who I was,

Gleefully because when I lost it,

I finally came to know

Who I thought I was.

Swept by a tsunami

Of things not yet understandable

I lost it.

Did I know?

It was before I could know anything

Other than that I didn’t belong.

Either here or there.

Would losing it mean finding

Where I belong?

I no more belong now than I did then.

I live in the wastelands

Of misspent belonging..

Fear.

Fear of what I was, what I am.

I wasn’t that yet,

That was before

But in losing it

I became

That which I feared most

And now I have to live with it.

I’m not afraid of it anymore,

Afraid of me-

Of what I lost

Or what has come to me

By losing it

I didn’t become

What is come upon me

Though I embraced as eagerly

As desperately I tried to push away.

But there is no pushing away

Or embracing..

What I was

By losing it

I no longer am.

I am something completely different

That like it or not

I have to learn to live with.

-Chip Bergeron

 10/13/10