Thank God we can choose our own friends.”

My Mother

The family all gathered

At my house this year

At first they were happy

But soon went their cheer

As I cranked up the chainsaw

To carve up the huge turkey

My baby brother proclaimed,

“Now I know you’re a jerky!”

And soon juicy slices of meat

All around the room went a flying

Now my four mutts were very happy

But my entire family soon started crying

And as we all finally settled down

To enjoy this Thanksgiving Day feast

Fat Louie stole my niece’s baked potato

And she yelled out, “He’s a savage beast!”

I gallantly retrieved that potato for her

And we all very hungrily began to dine

When Turbo forgot all his Holiday manners

And slurped up Mom’s glass of elderberry wine

And just as I was about to tell a joke

I looked over at the Christmas tree

And I just had to burst out laughing

At the hairball hanging there so merrily

It seems dinner had now quickly turned ugly

And my new sister-in-law soon proclaimed,

“We’ll never eat here in this madhouse again!”

As she prissily dashed out into the snow and rain

My baby brother soon raced after her

Yelling, “It’s just his sick sense of humor;

To tell you the truth, I think he’s adopted!”

Adding spice to that humorous family rumor

Dear old Mom soon rushed out to console her

Whispering, “Silly Edward truly gets carried away;

Don’t let that imbecilic eldest son of mine bother you,

Lord knows he’s a pain in the butt – each and every day.”

As all of my family eventually left

I truly had to laugh and giggle to myself

They had all seemed to have already forgotten

That this year I’m the designated Christmas Elf

Each and every year the tradition in our family

Is for one person to shop for all the Christmas gifts

And I can’t wait to see the expression on their faces

When they open their presents and have yet another fit

I truly love buying my family goofy gag gifts

It truly brightens the Holiday Season for me

And while I’m roaring watching their reactions

They will once again plot to send me off to sea

And just wait until they taste the Christmas Elf’s

Special Gourmet Christmas Surprise Crunch Cake

I’ll tell them that I bought it at an elegant bakery

But in my own oven with secret ingredients it will bake

HO HO HO!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!

©2005, Eddie ‘The Christmas Elf’ Kostro