Rambling Heart

Before I get too far along in this write I must pause and consider this question. How does one detail and turn into written word the intricate inner workings of the heart? Is the heart but a muscle whose only task is to pump blood? Or is it an essential part of what some call the soul? I opt for the latter as that I believe that the soul of man resides here. I really don’t know if I can covey it either.

As many of you know my wife Leah is seriously ill. The doctor’s diagnosis is grim and the news of this literally sucked the life out of my soul. I have walked around feeling dead inside and have tried to write my way back to life. For several weeks now I have written of my faith as well as my fears. I have flipped flopped more times than a fish out of water on the subjects of faith and fear. I write of these things for as I feel like it has helped me to cope, nevertheless I have discovered the writes to be self centered on my pain. For me as I look back at this I find these actions to be rather disgusting. No matter how I feel I should do nothing short of lifting Leah up twenty four hours a day. I cannot do this if I am feeling sorry for myself and how this is hurting me. It’s all about faith…

When it boils down to faith, in all my days I have never witnessed anyone that has the faith of my wife. She is insistent to the point that God WILL heal her. To this I am in total agreement but my faith is not as strong as hers and often I feel that this has become a hindrance to hers. For most of us we only see what is in the natural, others like Leah have the gift to see beyond the natural into the supernatural.

There are also those of you in the den that possesses this faith as well and I find it remarkable and so many of you here in the have been more than gracious to not only read these writes that my weak heart produces but also offer support, encouragement and prayer. Honestly I doubt I could ever tell you all how much this has meant.  ( listen up)…If this piece wanders somewhat and then drifts back in again, please try to overlook this for this is how my thoughts these days are as they run to and fro again and again.

I do want to emphatically state in this piece that if I had a thousand years to write of the hearts feelings that I have for my wife, I still would fall short of being able to express them all. I cannot explain why I love so deeply for I am at a loss for words. Everything I see, touch and hear has her in it. I see a sunset and I hear her sweet words “Pretty, Pretty.” I see the flower beds at home and I see her eyes glow. There is nothing in this life that does not have her touch or smell attached to it. Never will I see of these things and not recall our days.

If any of you made it to the bottom of this page, well I appreciate it very much and apologize for its rather incoherent rambling. Just please do one thing tonight…look at someone you love and tell them how much you love them. If you can’t see them, then call them, but make sure you tell them how much they mean to you and how much you love them.  As for me and what I will do, well I am not sure. The issue of faith in the face of something that stole my joy has me doing battle in my heart and mind. I believe yet I fear…that to me contradicts does it not? All I can do is say thank you all for everything and may God always bless you.