The Last Love letter Goodbye

My dearest Leah, you are the love and the sum of my life. You will never know how much I miss you, you will never know the hours that I sit alone in the darkness and cry. I hope that in your heart that you know that I did everything I could to save you. I so desperately wanted you to live…we still had dreams baby, sweet beautiful dreams that were never lived.  Oh how many times had we sat down by the river just holding hands and sharing our hopes and dreams. Maybe we had more dreams than a lifetime could give, maybe our hopes knew no boundaries; I know that our love held none.

There are so many things that I miss about you baby, oh so many things. I miss your smile, the tender touch of your hand when we said grace. I miss the way you look at me with those eyes so pure and blue. I miss hearing you play and sing on your new piano…. You know that I am having to sell it don’t you? I know that it breaks my heart to do this but we have so many bills from when you were sick. I cried tonight when a producer of records called and wanted to see it this weekend. I could hardly talk to him about the piano for talking about all the good things about you.

Do you remember when I asked God that if He had to take someone then let it be me and not you? I remember the night before you passed away that when I lay down on the floor by your bed, I knew that you were leaving soon, I knew because of the things you said. I remember holding your hand through the night and asking God that if He would not swap and that it was true that you had to go…I then asked Him to let us go together in the night just like that movie we saw where I cried and you laughed at me crying. I think it was called “The Notebook”.

Yet when I awoke that morning I could still see that I was here and that you to heavens door grew ever near. I don’t know why it had to happen this way baby, I just know that I gave you my heart and soul. I know that when you died there was more than just a part of me that died as well for I feel as if without you there remains nothing. I hurt and ache for you all the time sweetie. Almost anything will set me off these days…even the kids. Yes the kids…I went to visit them after church Sunday and we were all sitting around talking about you and one of them said to me… Allen, you know that you can take off that wedding ring now…”it’s until death do you part and you fulfilled your part.”

I could not believe my ears baby, for I remember the smile on your face when you placed the ring on my finger and I vowed to you that I would never take it off and we kissed long and passionately. You remember, even when I was to have my surgery for the ruptured appendix and the orderly said that I would have to remove the ring before surgery. Do you remember what I told him? Yeah, I told him that if I had to take this ring off in order to have surgery, then I just guess that I would not have surgery. That was when he came up with the idea for the tape over the ring. For you see my love, even though you are not here with me in the physical world, you are forever with me in my heart.

I guess you are wondering why I am rehashing all this now darling, but one of the reasons is to tell you that I have loved you more than life itself and another is to tell you…and this breaks my spirit to say this, but baby, oh my sweet baby…somehow I am going to have to let you go…..If you could see my tears now sweetie as I just penned those words you would know…oh sweet Lord you would know. Leah…I am dying without you and if it is Gods will that I live, and then I am going to have to figure out how to say the last goodbye….I don’t know if I can…but I have to try.

Baby, this does not mean that I won’t love you anymore; this does not mean that you will become just a faint whisper on my heart. I shall never forget you or shall I ever stop loving you. We will be side by side again for I just gave the OK on our grave markers design. On your side I put an artist palette and a cross. On my side of the marker is an inkwell with a quill and also a cross. Across the center below our names it reads….FOREVER AS ONE THROUGH CHRIST JESUS

So you see my love, we shall never be apart and come this Thanksgiving as I promised, you will be going to Tybee…our box of memories shall float forever on the open sea. A testament of our love, a hope awash on a dream fulfilled. I love you Leah and I always…always will.

Love forever and ever…DA

J. Allen Wilson © 11/5/08