Allen..your words touch my heart so deeply, for I share a similar pain to yours... God is ALL LOVE and cares for us no matter what..."To err is human, to love, Divine." We have both lost our Loves, and a normal human response is to be angry. Like Cryssa says, it is like a child who turns his back on his parents when he is punished...but hurt and deep grief can encourage us to behave in unpredictable ways that perhaps we feel are 'out of character'. We are allowed! To lose a partner with the kind of illnesses ours suffered is so traumatic and heartbreaking. How can we not feel some measure of anger to see our loved ones suffer in this way...It is only testament to the depth of our Love for them. So, I hope you can be gentle with yourself, and know that God understands...truly understands..He will never desert us, especially when we need him the most...
Your words and writing are soul stirringly beautiful..My thughts are with you. Love and Hugs, Diana

It is hard to even write a comment on something so personal as you shared here today. I believe we all go through times in our life where we struggle to cope and want to turn our back on the Lord. To me, it is much like a child who turns his back to his parents when he is being punished... the child, sure he hasn't done anything wrong, and unwilling to listen to the pleas of the parents and to hear the love in their voice as they discipline. Yes, this is quite different in the regard that Leah's death was not a punishment, although at times it may seem a cruel punishment. I believe the result is the same, however, in that when we are hurting it is difficult to see past our pain and it is easy to blame whomever we feel truly is responsible...in death's case it is often the Lord. We forget to listen to the love within his voice and instead concentrate on our pain...
Your last stanza is beautiful and shows the humility within your soul. Isn't it wonderful to know that He stands at the door, only awaiting your opening the door to allow Him to enter...

Cryssa

This is a powerful write. The last sentence says more about you than you may think. It is so easy for us to praise God for all he gives us. It so wonderful to sing thanks to the Lord for the ones we love. It is hard to accept the fact that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away! Your wife is waiting for you on the other side. God bless you for this powerful write.
God bless,
Lew

God loves us, he doesn't stop, prayers continue, we grieve, we are human, and so God made us.

m

Powerfully penned sadness, Allen. Yet, know this: you are not alone: God has tasted the sting of loss, in giving us His only begotten Son for the hope of mankind. The promise of resurrection and reuniting when our time on Earth is done. Stay strong, know you are in many prayers.

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.

Powerful emotions here, Allen; God understands and hears the cries of your heart! Know you are ever in my prayers/thoughts! Very well penned, and that image is beautiful!

(((HUGS))), much love, and continued prayers!~

As always, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :(

I feel this so very deeply, Allen. I totally agree that the church (that means us as practising Christians!) can be very adept at personal stoicism - totally sincerely, thinking it right and proper - but our belief and strength of resolve can be actually denial, thinking that we are wrong to feel hurt or pain if God has chosen such a path for us. No. I have come to believe quite the opposite. God isn't dminished as our God by our admission of the very real grief, anger and despair we feel. He made us flesh and mortal, not shining spirits that can just rise victorious without the need to admit feeling what we perceive as "sin and weakness". He comes to us in our mortal, soulish pain and administers grace and love... and on those wings we can rise up again, not on our own resolve to "be and do the right thing". There is no one more able or caring to deal with your howls of anguish than He is... and the Psalms are very clear that it is the actual ARTICULATED AND HONEST CRIES of our open mouth and heart, the bare-faced transparency of it all, that God does indeed hear and respond to. Sorry to sermonise... guess I'm in a bit of black hole myself today and am standing alongside you in yours. Bless you, Allen... let Him have ALL of your bleak and blackness... xxx

Allen, the passion and deep desire to be open to God's will is awesome.I think it was just fine to be angry at God.I think it is part of this long hard road your on.Your in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss and pain.I can not imagine what you are going through. Please accept my offer of caring I so much would like to give you.

With Love,
Cindy

J. Allen,

I'm so sorry for your loss. The Lord understands your anger and forgives you, now you must forgive yourself, and remember the good times with your love. God Bless You.

Mary