Sububanite's Lament

Every light in the house is on,
All the dishes are still in the sink;
I'm as sick as a dog
But I can't have a bog
'Cos the sewers are all on the blink!

I can't find my wallet, my keys or my pen,
Some arsehole has stolen my bag;
The laundry tap leaks,
The bedroom door squeaks
And these daks make me look like a dag!

There's chewing gum stuck on the sole of my shoe,
My finger got jammed in the door;
My goldfish are dead,
There's no hair on my head
And I found a big hole in the floor!

I've run out of toothpaste, I've run out of soap,
I've got no more fresh bread or honey;
When I went to the shop
To replenish my stock
I found I had run out of money!

My car broke down on my way home from work,
So I went to find some one to fix it;
By the time I got back
All the tyres were flat
And I got me a parking ticket.

My letterbox bulges with junk mail and bills
Neither of which make good reading
And to make me feel stupid
My house just got looted
While the Neighbourhood Watch had a meeting.

The dog bit my hand when I fed him his tea
So I kicked him fair up the arse!
He jumped to his feet
Ran out on the street
And under the wheels of a bus!

I went to the pub and ordered a beer
And glanced at the barmaid's tits;
With petite charm and grace
The bitch slapped my face
And her knee mashed my balls into bits!

So I staggered on home with tears in my eyes,
It was time I was going to bed;
When I opened my door
I slipped on the floor
And I've fallen flat on my head.

I opened my eyes and the rain's pouring down
While the neighbour's dog licks at my face;
Then the hound cocks his leg
Tries to piss on my head -
I've got to get out of this place!!!

I've sold the old house, I'm packing my stuff
And I'm leaving the suburbs for good.
At least, in the sticks,
I won't get the shits
Except when I reckon I should!

Choco. 1993