When I wanna spook myself

I think of my life without you

The silence that would abide here

From wall to wall

No telephone ringing

No AM station blaring its news,

Callers’ opinions and messages of repentance

No raucous Mexican rancheras

Even the bed would suddenly seem

Huge and strangely flat and breathless

On your side

The mirrors would reflect fewer

Day or night images

I’d have to pray more

To alleviate the pain of crossing those

Wet, wide blue gulfs of loneliness

The long-familiar scent of Schwarzkopf’s

Hair coloring would go away forever,

Leaving in its stead an unhappy void

The white lavatory would no longer

Scream the stains and smears got from

Applying that not-quite-natural

Brown-blond tone, ash or whatever

The prompting to try on this shirt or

That men’s jacket at the mall would cease,

Cease and desist because who would care?

(Try it on if you want, go to hell if you want,

Get a life, have some fun, party at any hour

Or on any day, quit working, working for whom?)

Yeah, I think of my life without you in order

To spook myself. To the quick.

God, if all the spooks in our feeble minds

Could be ‘spooked’ out of existence,

Could somehow be swept neatly

onto some barren field of oblivion

And haunt us no more. Swept once and

For all, Folks. Step right up.

But that’s life for you: Ifs left and right.