Dedicated to Michael "Ned" Kelly
A True Homicidal Maniac

There was once a man named Kelly
With the notorious nickname of "Ned"
Who wrote a book of scandalous things
Forged within the brick wall called "his head"

It wasn't another short story
Or a poem of sunny vignettes
But a public dictation of perversion
Surrounding Soccer's most famous pinheads

Brilliant Beckham and Cavorting Cantona
Were some of the chosen few
Exposed through the eyes of "Ned" Kelly
To billions of people like you

Ned was both silent and deadly
Or so all who knew him have read
Who destroyed their lives with just a pen stroke
And laughed as their open wounds bled

For this was a man without mother
A cunning mastermind of gore
Who evolved from a group called the SAS
Psychopaths..Murderers..galore

Should "Notorious Ned" be locked away?
Yes! I'm certain tis true
How could he change from a sweet little boy
To a man whose "high" was to "kill you"?

It came from his SAS Motto
He Who Dares...Wins
For the SAS dared "Ned" Kelly
To cleanse the world of its sins

From Desert Storm and the Falkland Wars
To London at Princess Gate
He could not deny his "True Calling"
To "Notorious Ned" it was fate

He loved his work as the death toll mount
From carnage, rampage and hell
And as he grew older it lingered on
In the book he had published to sell

We shall see what becomes of his mockery
His ripe old story that shows
Just how mindless some people can be
By shoving cocaine up their nose

For this is Manchester's United
And their lingering legacy of dread
Unless their prayers for his lobotomy come true
And they write their own version instead

So raise your glass to the author
Who tarnished Soccer's good name
And drink a toast to "Ned" Kelly
For the history of slander and shame