( For those of you who know my writings, you know i very seldom "preface" them with any sort of explanation, but i felt this write required that i do so because i am completely changing my "style", if you will. #1- i seldom write in this catagory (although i have, it's usually concerning my parents) and #2 i always attempt to rhyme (sometimes i do well, sometimes i don't), and #3 i never write lengthy writes. this "poem" could probably just as easily been placed in the "relationship" category, but i chose "memoir" because it is more about the memory of a friend than it is about the memory of a lover. indeed, Pam & i were never lovers. as for #2, this write is a complete ramble and, although there maybe some rhyme that creeps in (what can i say), my intention is just to write what i feel & what i remember about a person who touched my life in a very special way. and, be forewarned, this one is long...long.

She passed away on 12/17/03 at the age of 50. it was sudden. she was an aerobics instructor and for all practical purposes was in the best of health. she died of an anuerism (sic). and, although no one has ever confirmed this, i believe it was most likely the result of an abusive relationship she had been in several years before i met her.

anyway, this write is for you...to you Pam.

i've been thinking of you,
Dear Friend.
some moments it seems that's all that i do.
so i decided to write down
the sounds that keep coming around.
i decided to write about you
and to you.
so as they say,"this one's for you".

i remember
i met you in September.
it was right after my divorce,
and of course,
you saw my pain.
you saw i was going insane.

we had seen each other before.
and everytime you walked thru the door
i noticed.
i noticed your presents.
i noticed your laugh and your smile.
and after awhile it became clear
you noticed me too.
we would catch each other
stealing a glance.
then act like we were looking at another.
it was a lovely dance.

then one day
i decided to take a chance
and say
"if we're going to keep running in to each other, we might as well be introduced..."
and you smiled.
you asked me for coffee but i had to work.
so we made a "date" for the next night.
but i couldn't wait
for fear that would be too late.
so as soon as we both were in our car's
i called you on your cell
and said "what the hell,
are you doing anything tonight?"
and you said "no".
and i asked "do you want to go..."
and you said "yes, i guess".
and so we did.

on our first "date"
you wore sandels.
in South Texas that ain't a scandel.
but, the strap broke on one
and we were doing a lot of walking and talking.
we drove all over downtown
trying find a place to find some cheap flops.
all we found were mops.
so i drove you clear across town,
to your place
to replace
your shoes.
what else could we does.
and we drove and talked.
and we walked and we talked.
and we laughed.
and we stayed out until 2 or was it 3?

the next day
i picked you up at 2.
i brought you flowers
from the grocery store.
when i got there you had many, many, many more.
seems you always bought flowers
but not from the grocery store.
we shopped the junk stores.
we went to the festival.
we walked and we talked.
we drove and we talked.
and we laughed.
i made you dinner late.
you told me you didn't eat meat.
so i cooked my special
pasta primevera.
you ate like i bird.
i ate leftovers that whole next week.

i admit,
you told me from the git go
you had another "special friend"
you'd been seeing for quite awhile.
i didn't give up,
that's not my style.
you told me you always saw two men
at a time.
that was your rhythmn & rhyme.
you weren't sublime.
i thought "just give me time"!

i'd meet you for coffee.
i'd meet you for lunch.
i'd meet you for dinner,
now that was a winner.
we'd go to the movies,
always late.
the last showing
knowing
there weren't a lot of people around.
turns out you were claustrophobic (sic).
we'd sit in the last row.
and we'd talk.
and we'd laugh.

i gave you collections
of my early poetry.
the ones i had written
when i first started
(all 400 of them).
you read them in one night.
gotta' tell you that was a fright.
and you called me and thanked me
for sharing "me" with you.
hey, what else could i do.

on your birthday
i gave you a collection
somes selections
just about you.
what else could i do?
and you smiled at me,
and i saw the smile in your eyes,
and you said "thank you".
and again, you read.

at Halloween
you sent me a card with crayons all over the front
and inside it wisehed me
"a colorful Halloween"
man, was that keen.
and i laughed.

for my Christmas you gave me
a Trojan Horse.
hand carved, with a "secret compartment"
which i'd already found
when you asked me if i knew it was there?

on Christmas Eve
you knew i'd be alone,
so you asked me to join you & your
whole family.
that was a hoot.
seeing you strut around
handing out presents
to everyone you found.

on my birthday
you gave a slate plaque
with the words
"We need to talk.-God"
i remember, also,
on my birthday you went with me
to see
"The Lord of The Rings"#1
which i later found out
you'd already seen.
but, you acted like you hadn't.
and i laughed.

there are so many more memories
i have of the "we's"
of our short histories.

not long after that
things began to change.
re-arrange.
not with you but with me.
i wanted more
than candy
i wanted the whole store.
i became a bore.

i started to think.
again, i began
to drink.
you'd have none of that.
and that was that.
our friendship went flat.

and after that,
i'd see you around town
you'd say "hello",
which i knew meant "goodbye".
and i knew why.
never thought you'd die
before i could apologize.
i didn't realize...
i just didn't realize.
anyway, i won't philosophise (sis).

all i will say is...

Dear Friend,
i've been thinking about you
a lot these days.
i miss you.
i still love you,
not as an old lover,
but just as you.
and as a very special Friend.
guess i will 'till my End.
and when i remember
our time together
i smile.
and i laugh.
thank you.