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Julianza (Julie) Kim Shavin

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Member Since: Sep, 2008

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One Tongue
by Julianza (Julie) Kim Shavin → (All Poetry by Julianza (Julie) Kim Shavin)
   Rated "G" by the Author.
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Photograph by the author

This poem revised this morning.
Heard of flash fiction? This is a flash poem. It flew from my fingers like a mini-cyclone. I thought of going through the usual torture of a dozen or more revisions but thought, hm, what is feedback like on a flash-piece? Pls. let me know. Don't hold back.


Poem Artwork

               One Tongue

When I lived in the mountains

in a two story house,

I stayed upstairs where it was warm.

all six years

could see only the tops of trees;

longed to view grass, bushes,

scurrying squirrels.

Strange: here in the city

on one level

I still stare at treetops

waltzing the skies.

 

It is ten degrees tonight.

Some trees are like giant

hairbrushes; some like veiny

piano-stressed hands,

and the pines, -- the pines

are microscopic versions

of daggers that impregnate

my heart each night

you slink off to bed wordless.

 

I could move back to the mountains

dream of green

or greener, grass.

Absurd.

The other trees tried to school me.

but with such quiet,

so much sun, I went

temporarily deaf and blind.

 

I've had to re-learn

the tongue of trees,

their mystic braille,

transliterate dark arms

citing far stars,

don the cloak of winter

the tenebrous catechism. 

 

Copyright Julianza Shavin

 

 

 


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 Reviews of "One Tongue"
Reviewed by Regis Auffray
Reviewed on December 11, 2008
Your photo very effectively complements your verses, Juli. I agree with Michelle about the "touch of brilliance." Love and hugs,

Regis

Reviewed by Michelle Mead
Reviewed on December 8, 2008
I love the final stanza in this, has the touch of brilliance about it.

Reviewed by Edwin Hurdle
Reviewed on December 7, 2008
Hi Julie,I love reading this poem very much with beautiful images.I enjoy reading it.take care.

Edwin

Reviewed by Karen Palumbo
Reviewed on December 5, 2008
Very impressive writing and the visions you present are invisioned so clearly....

Be always safe,
Karen

Reviewed by Gene Williamson
Reviewed on December 5, 2008
Julie, you should post flash poems more often. Three things I might do. (l) Nothing. (2) Change the period after "For six long years" to a comma. (3) Consider dropping the third stanza. I think I prefer #1.
-gene.

Reviewed by Flying Fox Ted L Glines (Reader)
Reviewed on December 5, 2008
Well, Julie, if that is a flash poem, I like it. I really think that the muse works best when it spins right off the top of the head. All the revisions may add metaphore and facade, but they add nothing to substance ... and even tend to obscure what the muse is trying to say (usually something quite simple and clear). I do like this one :-)

Ted

Reviewed on December 5, 2008
When words come storming from the brain to the pen to the page, it is usually a winner. Such as this is: beautifully, hauntingly imaged and penned. Excellent, Julianza.

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.

Reviewed by Gianetta Ellis (Reader)
Reviewed on December 5, 2008
Love the words "mystic braille."
Interesting and unique.

Reviewed by Felix Perry
Reviewed on December 5, 2008
Well if it were up to me, I wouldn't change a thing. I have found some of my greatest works were the ones such as this done from beginning to end with just what came to mind. You captured not only haunting images, but a way of life and a bitter sweet sadness of reality of what life often becomes.
Well done.

fee


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