well, depression's been here
a long time
and it has a hell of a lot
to do with
the way I thought
others saw me or
the way they said
they saw me
with L's on foreheads
because I had the bigger heart
the more compassionate soul.

L's that should have stood for LOVER
not loser.

lover of laughter, of life
too-long laughter
adults were annoyed with

...I laughed too much.

lover of daydreams
often asked if I left my head in the bathtub
....I daydreamed too much.

once my kindergarten teacher
made the entire class spend
all day making a scrapbook
to show me what sadness was

one thing that stood out for me
was a magazine cut out of a little girl in a hospital
and a little boy in a wheelchair.

little did they know I saw that every day
I wish I could have told them but at 4 and a half
I would not be believed.

little boys with crooked smiles
crooked heads, drooling
unable to speak...
but still able to laugh
still able to live
and still looking happy
as happy as could be.

boys with wasting muscles
unable to hold things or
dress themselves
unable to walk without
a hunchback or wheel
without effort.

(I always paid more attention to the boys... I'm not sure why)

"is he going to be better Mommy?"
"I want to give him a hug, Mommy!"
"is he ever going to walk, Mommy?"
"why can't he walk like me?"
"what is he saying Mom?"
"I wonder if he's ever going to get married, Mom"
"is he going to die, Mom?"
"why is God so mean?"

these are things a parent should never have to answer.
and things a child should never have to ask or say
and yet I asked them, I said them.

and when those kids weren't around
and I was the only one who was different
I tried to be as happy as they were
I went on...

when kids tangled my shoelaces into the braces on my legs
I went on...

when teachers told me I would never be able to handwrite
I went on...

when kids called me names
I went on...

one day, 9 years ago I crashed
and a scrapbook on happiness
would have been damn useful
but no one was there to make me one
so I went on...

in three weeks one of those boys
I asked my mother about
is getting married
not to me but...


!

I just realized
it's been a month or more
since I last cried.

a year since I felt
like dying.


!

without any instructions
roadmaps or a GPS
happiness found it's way back
and I couldn't be more grateful...

I couldn't be more grateful
to be here to say "I was there,
the darkness took my hand
but it did not kill me or hold me down
because I went on and instead of giving in
I lived."

Live.