Death of a Butterfly (Death of a Cockroach?)

Several years ago I created a playlist called "L'Homme Solitaire" (The Story of The Solitary Man)
and started displaying it on my YouTube channel. I sometimes watch it myself in the middle of the night
while I'm downstairs drinking to achieve apathy, but as far as I know, no one else has ever watched it.

Not long ago, I started telling people about how I had transformed my AuthorsDen website from a simple
collection of songs and poems into a non-linear book that tells the story of my life, and that I had created
certain puzzles and quests that lead to my final poems at the end of my story. But, no matter how hard I
tried to persuade them, I couldn't convince anyone to read it. No one was interested.

Both my YouTube playlist and my AuthorsDen website tell the same story. It is the story of a lonely,
sexually frustrated man who deals with despair by turning to alcohol, and eventually commits suicide.
Basically, as I've mentioned in various places, part of the purpose of my story was to be a suicide note.
(I know no one has watched my playlist or read my story because no one has asked me about that.)

Here are some of the secrets of my puzzles and quests:
1. I first mention the quest to find my final poem in my commentary for "The Enigma Poems". I provide a
lot more explanation at the bottom of my Blog post (the starting point for my quests). I explain at the end
of my commentaries for "Swan Song" and "Things I've Written - Part 4" that both of my alter egos wrote
sequels to my "Swan Song" poem, and that the second one is hidden. My "The Collector" article explains
my non-linear book concept, and mentions that my story has a definite ending but you have to find it.
Its commentary contains clues to my quests and mentions that I wrote an alternate ending to my story.
And you can find many more clues to my puzzles and quests in my YouTube Community.⬅
If you are looking for my YouTube Community, YouTube has renamed their "Community" tab to "Posts".

2. Scattered throughout my AuthorsDen website are hidden messages. I created those hidden messages
by using white text on a white background. (I often use characters with a light text color that can barely
be seen to reveal that a hidden message is there.) To make a hidden message appear, you have to
select the text with your mouse as if you were going to copy it.🐁

3. There is a hidden section at the bottom of my "Quotations" article which is mostly about an abandoned
suicide plan from 2022. (If you don't follow my links, you won't understand a lot of what I am saying.)

4. I mention in various places that you should: "Follow the trail of les papillons (the butterflies) to find my
final poem (Bozo's Last Gasp)". My "trail of the butterflies" is a group of butterfly emojis which are links to
pages that also contain butterfly emojis. (Hidden messages are often nearby.) If you follow these butterfly
emoji links from page to page, they will eventually lead you to the end of my story and my final poems.
The reason for my trail of butterflies is that in order for you to understand the end of my story and my final
poems, you must first understand the message of each page along the way.

5. My Blog (the beginning of my quest) explains that, in order to read "Bozo's Last Gasp" once you find it,
you have to learn to read a cryptic language. That poem is written in a language I invented myself, which
is really just a simple substitution cypher. There is an explanation of how that cypher works at the end of
my commentary for "Who I Am", but that explanation is also written in my cryptic language.

6. The final butterfly of my trail may be found in the message that follows my "Absence of Hope" poem.
That poem concludes my "Butterfly" cycle which tells the story of the death of a butterfly. (The entire cycle
may be found on my "Poems About Insects" page.) That final butterfly links to the page for my short story
"Indomitus und Gelda" which is the end of my story and contains my final poems: the first parenthetically
titled "Bozo's Last Gasp" and the second, written later, entitled "Death Of A Cockroach (I Know The End)".
That final poem is about the method I ended up choosing to kill myself: slow suicide by alcohol poisoning.


The very end of my commentary for "Things I've Written - Part 4":
Both Roger and Bozo have written sequels for "Swan Song"🦢
Roger's is an affirmation.👍 Bozo's, a rebuttal.👎
Both contain lyrics sung by someone named John. *
🦢 THE END IS NEAR! (🦋 The End is Here. 💀)

* Roger's "La Vie Sans Rêves" contains lyrics from John Lennon's "God".
The last line of "Total Absence of Hope" (Bozo's Last Gasp) is from Johnny Cash's "Ring Of Fire".


Total Absence of Hope 🦋

I wish I had a lover.
I wish my lover was still mine.
I wish that she still wanted me.
(I want her so much!)
But I will never have a lover again.
Love, is a burning thing‼

🤡 Mark Sebring (Bozo's Last Gasp 💀)


Death Of A Cockroach (I Know The End)

A lonely man listening to Moondog Radio in the dark.
A glass of whiskey in his hand. Achieving apathy.
He couldn't let Bozo have the final word.
He pulled pins from grenades and lobbed them on the lawn.
They were just sitting there. They hadn't gone off yet.
But they could at any moment. BOOM!!!
He wasn't sure what he was going to tell his Dad.

I had one drink last night. My first in more than a month.
I ended up unconscious on the bathroom floor.
I didn't mean to kill myself but I think I may have.
I had finally finished "War And Peace".
Like Pierre, I had finally found Peace.
I am proof that there is no God.
ssbap 🌄


I suppose I should try to clarify something: I didn't exactly choose this method of suicide.
As I mentioned in my final poem, I haven't been deliberately trying to kill myself as much
as turning to alcohol to deal with despair (attempting to achieve apathy).
And I have been writing very candidly about my problems here, in a place where anyone
in the world can read what I write but I know no one does, in the hope that someone might
be interested in understanding me after I'm gone.

"His full story is a combination of autobiography, commentary on human nature,
and suicide note. (The note was as far as he could get.)" - Kimber Garns

"Take care when you find yourself longing for oblivion.
The Waters of Lethe are reserved for the dead."
Τα Νερά της Λήθης (The Waters of Lethe)

(The parenthetical title of my final poem, and the line: "The end is near! The end is here." are
references to the Phoebe Bridgers song "I Know The End". You can find a video for that song
in my final post in my YouTube Community, and you may find my comments, replies, and links
in that post to be informative.)


"The heart asks pleasure first, and then excuse from pain.
And then those little anodynes that deaden suffering."
Emily D.

The World Ends At Dawn (The End Is Near)
He'd pulled pins from grenades and lobbed them on the lawn.
They were just sitting there. They hadn't gone off yet.
But they could at any moment...🌄

Absence of Hope (Finale: Drinking In Earnest)
I am alone in this world.
All of my dreams are gone.
I shall never have a lover again.
Nor anyone I could call friend.
No one who accepts me for who I am.
So I drink to escape from the pain.
And if I live, I live. And if I die, I die.
Sort of like Russian Roulette.
I don't care that much either way.
If I should come to my end today
I shall accept it cheerfully like Whitman
rather than raging against the dying of the light.

I Know The End (The End Is Here)
No. I'm not afraid to disappear.
The billboard said: "The end is near!"
I turned around. There was no one there.
Yeah, I guess the end is here.
The end is here...💀🦋


Wait a minute! It's stopped hailing.
Guys are swimming. Guys are sailing.
Playing baseball. Gee, dat's bettah.
Muddah, Faddah, kindly disregard dis lettah.

This world is filled with pain and sorrow,
but joy and pleasure are present as well.
And so we know we must forfeit Heaven
if we choose to flee from Hell.
There's only one way to be free.
But I'm not ready for that yet.
(Wrestling With Thanatos 💀)

I stood on the edge of a precipice,
recognized my recurring mistake,
and turned around.
The Struggle Continues...🤡|🧙
(See "Id vs. Ego / Anagnorisis".)


Anagnorisis
There are many things that I desperately want.
There are many things that I already have.
How happy I am, at any given moment,
depends on which I'm focusing on.

Id vs. Ego
Sometimes my desperation is not so quiet.
Sometimes my desire is too strong.
The heart wants what it wants, but I know what I have.
I know I'd rather be with her.

🧙‍♂️ Love is the one dream that matters.


I finally had it all figured out, but I ended up dying anyway
still wishing that my love life hadn't ended so soon
but glad that I had found someone I loved so much.
I guess we all have to die sometime. Que sera sera.

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
What is called resignation is confirmed desperation."
ACCIPIO RES UT SUNT.


Η επιδίωξη της απάθεια:
Accipere res ut sunt. 🧙‍♂️
L'amour est le seul rêve qui compte.

Very sad poetic song.