Still I Cry Silently

I learned to cry silently as a child

I was taught my feelings were something to hide

My thoughts seemed to matter as much as I

And if someone said different they were telling a lie

I was taught to hide myself behind my smile

Constantly I was reminded I wasn't worth while

Yet my shame loomed over me as I lived within my skin

I find myself now wondering just who really did win

I carry with me all my tortures and guilt

Praying to God each day that this torture does quit

My uncertainty now is the life that I lead

Expecting to much, trying to fill that need

Wanting so badly to be accepted and loved

Yet wanting to be free, as free as a dove

The dove represents purity of which I have none

I feel alone in this world, there is no one

Still I cry silently just like that child

My feelings still don't matter and from them I still hide

I bury them deeper and deeper than before

I can not bring myself to open that door

Not really certain of what I will find

This life is my prison; I can not hide

The reminders are constant with each glimpse of myself

Just wanting to run and hide from myself

Yet the guilt and the shame, they follow me

Clouding my thoughts; almost blinding me

Pain and loss are familiar to me

Breaking my heart while laughing at me

Time seems to pass and the torture prevails

No laughter, just sadness with a veil of tears

Loneliness overshadows these thoughts at times

But soon am reminded of my past crimes

Still I sit crying just like that little girl

Finding myself lost in my own little world

Is there anyone at all who can see through this pain?

Will there ever be life in these eyes again?

I oftentimes wonder why this happened to me

And then I realize, it was meant to be

If things had been different, would I be the same?

Would my life be filled with this torture and shame?

I still try to run and hide from my past

But it always finds me; I can't run that fast

The child inside me just wants to live

But the person I am has not learned to forgive

Its a process they tell me and that it is slow

I want to be whole, I just want to grow

I want to know love and to give it back

I want to know feelings; I'm tired of this black

Shirley Ann Parker son

April 30, 2005