...were done to me....

The things I did, were taught to me
If I had no mind
I wouldn't mind
minding
I'd lost my soul but

I do so I want you to know, son,
that the things I did
I did
because of memories
Daughter, too
I was
neglected
you
later did it to yourselves
and blamed it all on me

I'd like to think
i did things
or rather
didn't do them
unknowingly
the playpen had no sheets
my babysitter accused me
of lacking soft
fuzz
but it was time
to be present
to me
that i lacked that took up the time
i owed to you
but what about my baby?

i try to make the truth of sticky numbed over wounds inside where you can't see them but
where they festered and grew
in oblivion to you

away from remembering
membering
me
i tried
un-membered
you

but the things i did to you
without you were when
i was not quite
my
self
my self?
i hadn't one.
and so i hadn't you.

today
today
today
today
today

I am
happy
i admit it and you son
resent that i am not with you
but
you are twenty something
too old
i finished my job
and yes you are in a home for
people in recovery from mental
journeys from which they can't return

memory
memory
remember me?
i never left you.
you left home.
we all have to, son.
even parents have to go
when their bodies start to give out.

the things i did,
i didn't do alone
i can't take the blame
for reacting to having been
or not been
having lived or not lived
my parents tragedies

and yes i was
out for myself
outed myself
outing for myself
you even
maybe it's true
i hope not but sooner or later,
as mom says to me,
every parent betrays their children.
and every child betrays their parents.

it's how we grow.
but that's become cliche to say, so
i'll say instead
it's how we live, or
continue living.

you can't give if you spend all your time
managing your own pain
that was me,
call it selfish but
i didn't even have a self.
that was the problem i could blame
i could blame
and try to shame my mother
but it's getting old
she's getting old
and she gave me life
whether i like it or not
i am indebted to my parents for life.

i will not take the blame.
i'm trying to remember you
but why i did what i did is of little consolation
because, as your sister told me,
you can forgive me but you can't make the pain go away.
i'm sorry.
i failed.

....

the things i did, i did not do alone
the things we did together, we did for love and love causes sorrow
to minds so scorching, hearts and bodies so unknowing.
The things we said no to we say no longer, just an oldies tune
gets stuck in the brain
the brain
the damn strain
of a chemically imbalanced rain
of shame
and parenting.

the things we did together we continue
to do apart
missing family
blaming others
but wherever we travel, we find our family
and though you are not here,
i saw joshua your childhood best friend yesterday
and oh my God you were there.

You had been scarce, have been scared,
living with your cousin,
me alone
in San Francisco
bi did what i had to do and before that what
i didn't wqnt to do
like leaving you.
but our time was up and I'm walking alone with you still. but you must know if you are to go from the shelter this:
You are not at fault, not my fault, not a fault, though fallen. But falling is in gravity
grave gravity
you had to come down out of the tree house
and get some groceries
i am not a bird
and even if i could fly
i couldn't carry all you needed
especially since you were gone whenever
i got to you with your SOS package.
You sent me away.
Admit it and heal.
Be in reality.
Because ultimately you know
you can't escape the stories that broke your heart
and neither can i.