Golf is a gentlemen's game and a gentlewomen's game! Manners...WOW...well excu-u-u-u-u-se me!
"There's no game like golf...where you go out with three friends...and you come back with three enemies." Gary Player
When I was in the Air Force (on our side), there were six of us who worked in the procurement office at the radar site where I was stationed. Four of the six people played golf at the time. I didn't play golf, because I didn't know how to. And, every Monday...all I heard was golf...golf...and more golf!
I didn't think the game of golf could be so difficult. The golfer hits the ball in a big pasture...chases it...hits the ball again...chases it...chases it...and finally gets to the promised land...and puts the ball in the hole. What could be so difficult about that?
"Okay, Mr. Golf," said one of my co-workers, "why don't you come out this week-end, and show us all how to play the game of golf...you know...give us a few tips!"
I've been a pretty good athelete in my younger days, so I took these guys up on their invitation. I'll show these guys a thing or two about the game of golf...I thought to myself. We met at the golf course on Saturday morning...and we had a foursome. At this point, I didn't know a golf club from a country club...and the disaster was waiting for me on the first hole!
"When I die, please bury me on the golf course, so my husband will come and visit." Unknown
Hole #1; (Tee shot); I hit the ball hard, but I hit it sharply to the right...and as they call it in golf...a banana! My ball landed on another fairway, so I didn't get off to a good start! I eventually hit the ball onto the green and putted out for a 14 on the first hole!
Hole #2; (Tee-shot); I hit the ball, and I was looking for it down the fairway...and to my embarrassment...the ball trickled down the tee and went only about ten yards. (blush-blush!) Twelve more shots and I put the ball in the hole!
Hole #3; (Tee-shot); This time off the tee, I hit a shot in golf, called a "hook," and the ball went sharply to the left, and disappeard in a bunch of bushes! I couldn't find the ball, so I had to hit another ball.
Hole #4; (tee-shot); On this hole, there was a fence on the left side and was out of bounds. I hit, what I thought was a great shot, but the ball bounced over the fence...and bounced into a church parking lot! I had to use another ball. I tried to keep my confidence up...but things were not looking good for me on the links, etc. I hoped I would do better on the next hole!
Hole #5; (tee shot); S-w-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-sh! That's the sound in golf, when a golfer hits a "worm-burner," whereby the ball never leaves the ground...it just darts along the top of the grass! With a shot like this...every worm is running for cover...the ball doesn't go very far, either!
"Hey, you guys...are you impressed with my golf game so far?" That's what I asked the guys, and they had a big laugh at my expense! Here was another shot, that those show-offs like Tiger, Arnold, Nancy and Jack can't do! On my approach shot to the green...the ball went into the sandtrap as usual...but my divot landed about 2 inches from the hole...see if all those show-off can do that with the ball...or the divot...I was finding out quickly how tough this game of golf was...and I was paying the price...with laughter from friends!
"One interesting thing about golf, is that no matter how bad you play, you can always get worse." Robin Williams
Hole #6; (tee shot); I was now getting the feel for the clubs...as we turned the corner...and we were now facing a stiff head-wind and this is a true story. Because only I could do something like this...Tiger; Arnold; Jack; Nancy; Lee CANNOT do this! None of them have this kind of talent! Facing a stiff wind...I hit the ball off the tee...and I got under it...and the head-wind got a hold of it...high in the sky...and the ball landed about 12 yards BEHIND the tee! True story...and I sure didn't see anything amusing about what had just happened. I could see now, I was not going to do well in this STUPID GAME OF GOLF!
Hole #7; (tee-shot); Finally, I got a decent shot off the tee, but it landed in the rough! My second shot landed in the bunker near the green! I was doing sort of good, until I went into the trap and everything came apart! I hit the ball out of the trap...and the ball went onto the green...and all the way to the other side...and fell into the trap on the other side! FURIOUS!
Another shot, and I hit the ball out of the sand trap, and it skipped over the green, and landed in the bunker I just came out of...FURIOUS! Four times, I could not get my ball out of the trap...FURIOUS! True story...I hit the ball out of one trap...and over the green and into the other trap...FIVE TIMES...FURIOUS! I got a 23 on this STUPID hole!
Hole #8; (tee shot); This hole was, in golf, called a par 3, and is shorter than all the rest. Maybe I could do something with this hole. But, there was a pond in front of the green, so I had to be careful not to hit the ball in the water!
"Kerr-plunk"...that's the sound of the ball taking a bath in the water...the rules didn't say anything about me scuba-diving...oh well...I just used another ball. I had lost FOUR balls in just eight holes! How many holes are there...18? At this time, I could not show my frustration to the guys...but I could just wrap a club around a tree! So, do people who are educated really play this silly game?
Hole #9; (tee shot); I tried not to show the guys my hate for the game, and my tee shot went down the right spinach patch...and BLONK...hit a tree that was planted in the wrong place! I used the F-word for the unpteenth time...FURIOUS! Just think...we still have the back nine! I knew at this point, that I could not continue in the back nine, as I was holding back the guys. The best thing to do was to drop out...after nine holes. I had already showed them my skills and talents in golf!
"Many golfers prefer a golf cart to a caddy, because a cart cannot count; criticize or laugh." Unknown
Let me see...about my score...m-m-m-m...14 on the first hole...12...23...15...WOW...107...for the first nine holes...eat your heart out Tiger; Arnold; Nancy; Lee and Jack...
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Copyright; 2008; Jerry Aragon/The Humor Doctor
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