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Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)

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Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shall Not Cook!
By Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Posted: Thursday, October 14, 2010

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I HATE to cook! I hate everything about cooking! I can never understand why some people have a passion for cooking! For me...from the frying pan into the fire! Making a big mess...and then having to clean it up is not on my menu!

I do, however, admire and have a lot of respect for those who are good cooks...they didn't get there overnight!  I think it takes a lot of patience to be a good cook...a lot of trial and error...do it over and over again...until the dish is perfect...m-m-m-m-maybe these are a few good reasons why I'm not a good cook...

You know the old saying...

"You are what you eat...so try to avoid fruits and nuts!"  Jim Davis

One day, I asked my ex-wife to teach me to cook, and I wanted to learn how to make a pot of green chile.  She stood right there, as I did everything she told me to do.  When the chile had finished cooking, I tasted it, and it tasted like hell.  Why does your chile taste so good, and I do the same thing you do...and my chile tastes like hell?  S-c-r-e-a-m! 

"Once, during proibition...I forced myself to eat nothing but food and water."  W.C. Fields

"Statics show that for those who contract the habit of eating...very few survive."  Wallace Irwin

Shouldn't the name be 'Irwin Wallace?' 

"The worst gift is a fruitcake.  There is only one fruitcake in the world, and people keep sending it to each other."  Johnny Carson

"I love Thanksgiving!  It's the only time in Los Angeles/Hollywood that you see natural breasts."  Arnold Schwarzenegger

At the age of 65 in 2010, I've been in, what is known as the kitchen a time or two, so I'll try to educate the reader on what I have learned over the years.  Some of it may be technical in nature, so try to keep up.  I realize that there are many of you out there, who are not the sharpest knife in the drawer...but please try to understand...and I'll try to make it as simple as I can;  Shall we begin...

spoon: (definition); a utensil for use in eating; stirring; mixing; measuring consisting of a shallow bowl with a handle;

fork; (definition); an instrument having two or more pronges (sounds like my former boss); for lifting and holding an implement for handling food;

I certainly hope all of this was not over your head...you know...too technical.  I'll try to keep things as simple as I can as I cover more territory in the art of cooking. 

"Eating rice cakes, is like chewing on a foam coffee cup...only not as filling."  Dave Barry

knife: (definition); an insturment for cutting; consisting of essentially of a thin sharp sharp-edged blade fitted to a handle;

"I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook...but she uses a smoke-alarm for a timer."  Bob Monkhouse

drinking glass: (definition); a container for holding liquids while drinking;

"Ask your child what he wants for dinner...only if he's buying."  Fran Lebowitz

spatula: (definition); implement with a broad, flat, usually flexible blade;

I love frito-pie, and after three days, I got up the courage to go into the kitchen, and give it my best to make frito-pie.  When all was said and done, the frito-pie was awful...even Fido went through the doggie-door and went barking down the street!  (scream!) 

About all I can make in the kitchen are weapons of mass destruction!  I would never invite anyone to dinner, for I fear that the person would die, and I would be responsible! 

 "I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."  Erma Bombeck

cutting board: (definition); a board used as a firm surface for cutting food, cloth or leather, etc. 

Ham and eggs.  A day's work for a chicken and a lifetime comittment for a pig. 

stove; (definition); a portable or fixed apparatus that furnishes heat for warmth, cooking, etc. 

"For is is after you lose your teeth, that you can afford steaks."  Pierre Renoir

refrigerator; (definition); a box, room, or cabinet in which foods are kept cool by means of ice or mechinacal refrigeration;

"Cooking is like love.  It should be entered with abandon or not at all."  Harriet Von Home

My wife's cousin is a very good cook...she's one of those gormet cooks.  One year, for my wife's birthday, she cooked a dinner...a Chinese dinner.  I ate so much that day, that I had to be trucked out of the house!  So, I really admire people who stay with it and can cook!  (by the way, I do all my cooking on the dance floor!) 

rolling pin:  (definition); a cylinder of wood or other material, usually with a short handle at each end, for rolling out dough;

"Hunger is not only the best cook...but the best physician."  Unknown

dough: (definition); flour or meal combined with water is a mass for baking into bread, cake, etc. 

Aren't we learning a lot about the kitchen and cooking?  So educational...the stuff in the kitchen and cooking, eh?

Pigs in a blanket; (definition);  FORGET IT! 

Sloppy Joes; (definition); FORGET IT! 

Is there anybody out there, who is dumber than me when it comes to cooking and being in the kitchen?  Please raise your hands!  Okay, you can all put your hands down now!  WOW...s-o-o-o-o-o-o-many people raised their hands...I must have a lot of company... 

Screwdriver: (definition); FORGET IT! 

Bloody Mary:  (definition); FORGET IT! 

Is my cooking better than airline food?  We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-l-l-l...ge-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...I think the jury is still out on that one! 

Plop-plop; fizz-fizz; (definition); I know plenty about seltzer...I'm an expert...

There's a lot more information involved in cooking and the kitchen...so it will have to be in another lesson.  I apologize to the reader for being so technical...I certainly hope I didn't go over your head with all this technical information.  and I leave you with this thought...

"My cooking is so bad, that my children thought Thanksgiving was to commermorate Pearl Harbor."  Phyliss Diller

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Copyright; 2010; Jerry Aragon/The Humor Doctor
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