These are the Voyages

Of the USS Illinois Explorer

Our Mission:

To Boldly Go

Where Few Illinois Flatlanders

Have Gone Before

                                       Captain Ed Kirkostro

Captain’s Log:

Earthdate: June 1, 2004

The crew was getting bored and restless,

It had been far too long since our last mission.

First Officer Rebecca suggested a voyage to:

Door County, Wisconsin,

A large peninsula to the north,

Merrily jutting out into Lake Michigan.

She had heard that there were delightful tourist shops,

And wonderful wooded scenery to behold,

In this strange northern realm.

Navigator Chica Blanca

Immediately barked out her concerns

Regarding traveling through this strange world,

Filled with ferocious Cheeseheads

And Vicious Vikings.

Security Officer Turbo,

Our fearless Canine Warrior,

Immediately scoffed at Blanca’s concerns,

And eagerly raced out to the Explorer,

With his teddy bear and his milk bones in tow.

Soon we boldly forged ahead,

Where few had gone before,

In our Highway Cruiser,

The USS Illinois Explorer.

As we crossed the dimly lit border

Separating Illinois and Wisconsin,

I set the Explorer to ‘Cruise Control,’

Leaned Over to the First Officer,

And thirstily commanded:

“Grey, Earl - Hot.”

That’s when the engine blew on our beloved old ship.

She had been overdue for a maintenance check,

Which the crew and I had carelessly neglected.

Fortuitously, the ship’s engine had failed

In close proximity to an old farmhouse,

With a tattered picket sign proclaiming:

‘For Sale – Cheap

1 Wagon, 2 Mules’

We quickly bartered with the strange old Wisconsin farmer,

And soon loaded our gear aboard the old wooden vessel.

Counselor Buddy Cat immediately performed a mind meld

With the two mules – Daisy and Elmer,

And they quickly agreed to lead us north,

Through hostile Cheesehead Territory.

Captain’s Log:

Earthdate: June 2, 2004

All was peaceful and serene on the back roads of Wisconsin,

Until we neared a large human settlement called Madison.

The air suddenly crackled with a strange communiqué,

And we all listened in horror to the following:

“This is Viking Commander Katy Walsvik,

Calling all Vikings in the vicinity.

JAYSUS!  I’ve just spotted a wagonload

Of flatlanders and two mules.

I could surely go for some

Delicious Mule Stew this lovely day!”

Upon hearing this savage discourse,

Daisy and Elmer immediately quickened their pace,

Not even needing a mind meld

From Counselor Buddy to spur them on.

Captain’s Log:

Earthdate: June 3, 2004

All remained blissful for the next 24 hours,

As we joyously cruised along

Wisconsin’s delightfully wooded back roads.

In every direction we looked,

We gazed in awe and wonder at

Green forests, wild flowers,

Cheese Shops, Liquor Stores,

And Bratwurst Emporiums.

We were all getting very hungry and thirsty now.

As we neared a place called

 Star Image Publishing, Anna Marie Fritz, Inc.,

We spotted a blonde woman through the trees.

She appeared to be an Italian Cheesehead.

She was sitting in her flower garden,

In mounds and mounds of black dirt,

Merrily singing and chanting:

“Fa, Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum!

I smell the blood of Flatlander Scum.

Be they alive or be they all dead,

I'll grind their bones to make me some bread!”

Needless to report, we did not tarry there very long.

Captain’s Log:

Earthdate: June 4, 2004

We had reached the relative safety 

Of Door County,

And We Rejoiced!

We ate, drank, took a refreshing dip in the lake,

And soon visited numerous quaint little shops.

First Officer Rebecca bought a lovely flowered tee shirt,

Turbo and Blanca found some delectable dog biscuits,

And I purchased a wondrous loon coffee mug.

Counselor Buddy Cat seemed rather amused

By our ravenous shopping habits.

As we finally prepared to depart for home, 

A kindhearted shopkeeper gave us this advice:

“If I were you Flatlanders, I’d head south 

Along an old wagon trail that runs along Lake Michigan,

All the way down to Chicago.

Less chance of running into any Blonde Cheeseheads

Or Vicious Vikings on this old trail.”

We mumbled our sincere thanks

(Our mouths were still full of cheese and bratwurst),

And we soon set sail for home.

Captain’s Log:

Earthdate: June 5, 2004

We have arrived back at Home Port,

Safe and Sound and Happy.

Another successful mission 

Has been completed.

Old Daisy and Elmer,

Our courageous two mules,

Now reside in our Garage.

They seem to like it here,

Much better than their old farm,

In Cheesehead Territory.

We definitely need - 

A bigger house.

Captain Ed Kirkostro – Out

With gas prices what they are today, I think I’ll keep driving the wagon.

To learn where you can buy gasoline very very cheap, please read the

Article, Gas for 5 Cents a Gallon.