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Blogs by Vena McGrath
Sunday 24 February 2008 2/23/2008 6:06:10 PM
And the year rolls on ...... It seems that the older I become the faster the years slide by. Work days are painfully long and weekends painfully short. I usually have a list of things to do of a weekend and sometimes I even work through the list, crossing off each chore as it's completed. Other weekends I'm left with more to do than I have done .. a sign of a body and mind slowing down :(
A kind of despondency creeps in when I think about how much I could achieve in a day when I was so much younger, or a weekend, with a busy home to look after, a job 5 days a week once my kids were all in high school, and running 3 kids around to their sports for training and games and swimming events. I shudder to think if I had to do all that now because going to work 5 days a week is enough output for a week.
I think that some of my problems are stemming from the very real 'retirement' from work that I am facing in 2009. On the one hand I rejoice to think about not having to get out of bed until I feel like it of a morning, having all day to potter around at home and even time for writing. But then I think about the interaction with a building full of other people that I will miss, the motivation of having work that has to be completed in a timely and correct way. And then, the pay that goes into my bank account every fortnight that won't be there anymore. I think probably that is the biggest of my worries as I live a lifestyle that I have become accustomed to that needs to be funded by my pay.
But, there comes a time when I think we know that it's our time to throw in the towel and move on to the next phase of life. If I had a husband/partner then I imagine I would feel differently because we would be planning something together hopefully that would bring a huge and welcome change to our lifestyle. Being alone doesn't bring those welcome thoughts because no matter what I do, I will be doing it alone.
My children have reached a stage in their lives where they have received an input of funds that they have never had, courtesy of their father's will. Their lives will now change to however they choose to change them, and hopefully the legacy they have been given will be put to good use. I now don't have to worry about trying to help them out because they are able to help themselves. Maybe that's another crux for me?
Life is full of change and mine sure has had its share and a bit more of change. I wonder how things would have been if this hadn't happened, or that had happened, but at the end of the day what is is what is. As with all the other times of change, I have to come to terms with a new road to travel on and make the best of it. While I can work as long as I choose to, I'm beginning to feel like the old lady in the office as everyone around me is at least 7 years younger than I am, and many are the age of my children (note I always call them children even though the eldest is 41!)
When I'm at home I am very happy and I have everything I need here and probably more than I need. After spending 5 weeks almost on leave from Christmas through to the end of January, I realised that I didn't once wish I was anywhere else but here. That was a consoling thought but I also knew I had to go back to work. I wonder how I will feel when that isn't there for me anymore, when every day will be just like the next and I will probably not even know what day in the week it is some of the time. At least when you go to work you begin countdown on Monday, looking forward to Friday POETS day. Sunday afternoon the rot sets in as you realise Monday is just around the bend and you have to plough through another 5 days to get to the next weekend.
Perhaps I don't have enough in my life to fill it up and this is something I will need to give a lot of thought to between now and retirement day. While I can fill my days with plenty of things that I like doing, like nothing much some of the time :), I will need stimulation and I know that. I'm thinking of perhaps joining some kind of club where I can further my interest in writing or even just a social club that I can spend a few hours a week interacting with others sharing a similar boat in life to mine.
My eldest son, who I own my home with, is thinking of investing in an apartment in a beachside suburb of Sydney. He plans to spend his weekends there and stay here during the week as it is close to his work. That sounds great for him, however it ties me down because I can't really do much without we sell this home. That would allow me then to move to somewhere close to the sea, where I want to be. So the next couple of years may prove to be slightly stressful as we try to work out what we will do. I doubt my son would stand in the way of me moving on and perhaps it's time that I did something for myself even if it does upset his plans. I like where I live, but only because I work not too far away and it's a haven to come home to. I don't see myself living here for ever though as I don't need this much space and the gardens and lawns will become all too hard for me to handle.
The busy years and the hard years have gone, and they went so fast, or seem to have. When the kids were young I didn't think about too far into the future and I guess that's how I live now too. Whilst I am thinking about next year, I'm not thinking much past that as there isn't any point in wasting precious time worrying about what may or may not happen down the road. I believe that what is meant to happen will happen, and that opportunity does knock and we have choice then to take it and run with it or close the door.
My issues are shared my many I guess. A crossroads in life when you are unsure which way to go. The only way to go, I think, is to follow your gut instinct, or inner voice, whatever you like to call it. I will only be as good as I allow myself to be and as with most of my life, I will do it my way. This time however I need to think about what I want, as my family are all standing on their own two legs as it should be.
Until next time, take care. Perhaps when I sit down to blog in March I might have a few things sorted out in my head. Don't count on it though, I am forever changing, as a good Scorpio should!
