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My Hundred Thirty-Two Pounds Worth On Dating 8/24/2005 10:21:57 PM
After reading two AD articles about dating, I’m ready to weigh in on the topic, both from the perspective of my own dating, and advice to my daughters.
I’m sure it will shock no one who knows or reads me to see that my thoughts on the subject are not traditional, and probably not popular.
I think the way most people date is completely backwards. It makes no sense to me for two people who hardly know each other to spend time and money going out to see if they enjoy spending time and money together. It makes even less sense for two people to spend months going to movies, dances, and parties, where deep conversation is unlikely, and the routine is anything but realistic. Why start out putting their best feet forward, in their best nicest clothes, playing hard to get, sending flowers and love notes, only to realize when the party is over they’re bored stiff with one another in a normal setting? I think we should spend a couple of months seeing each other in our being most natural, and decide if we want to spend more time together doing other things. Sit at home and play cards, plant flowers, go for walks, swim. There’s no better way to be totally vulnerable than in a bathing suit with no make-up and wet hair.
I’m doubt I’m the only one who has seen this happen. While dating, she goes to his sports events and listens to his music. He learns to tango for her and thinks she’s kind of cute when she has a few glasses of wine and slurs his name. He doesn’t mind picking up a rose on the way over and she enjoys putting a couple of hours into her special lasagna recipe for him. Then, the day after the wedding, she hates sports and he’d rather clean the septic tank than dance the tango or stop at the store on the way home. She’s a lush after the first drink and he’s a pig for expecting her to come home from work and cook a meal. Why start out dishonest?
As for the advice to children, I think the absolute worst things a parent can do is wait until a child is nearing dating age to start this conversation, or deliver a list of dating rules and demand the child follow them. I believe the lesson starts the day children are born, when we teach them to respect and protect themselves and others, and to identify keepers. Contrary to popular teaching, I never told my children to be afraid of strangers. We aren’t afraid of people, we learn how to deal effectively with different types of people. Strangers are friends we haven’t met yet, and from those friends we identify the ones we would consider compatible for a relationship that goes beyond friendship – or keepers.
This is the advice I gave my daughters. Don’t look for money, status, or attractiveness because those things can always change, for better or worse. Look for a man who is passionate about life and excited about what he does, whether it’s his job or his hobby. Think less about romance and more about sexy. Romance takes time, planning, money, and energy. Sexy is, without effort.
Beware of nice guys. Nice doesn’t mean good. The biggest creeps out there have to be nice or they wouldn’t get away with what they do. Not nice doesn’t necessarily mean good either. Look for good guys, then date the ones of them who are nice.
Run from any guy who tells you how much money he has, his parents have, or he might win, inherit, or earn in the future. If he thinks he has to buy your attention, he knows he is worthless on his own merit.
Beware of guys who tell you how good they are at anything. When a person is truly good at something, people tell them, not the other way around.
Run at the first sign of jealousy or the first time he acts macho. If he doesn’t trust you, he is most likely doing something he shouldn’t be doing; and if he’ll fight for you, he will also fight with you.
Run as fast as you can if he talks negatively about the women he was previously involved with. He either has bad taste, poor judgment, or jumps into relationships without thinking, and he is a jerk who will say the same things about you if things don’t work out.
Pay more attention to how he treats his friends than how he treats you. It’s easy to treat you nicely early in the relationship. How he treats his friends is how he’ll treat you later.
Never marry the first man you date, or any man you haven’t had sex with. Never marry any man you couldn’t live with without sex. Never have sex with a man you wouldn’t want as the father of your child.
And if I had to narrow it down to one sentence – look for a man you love sitting in a room doing nothing with. You will always be happy with him.
