Miss Audette Bigsbee

Miss Audette Bigsbee is our neighbor, a middle aged, if not elderly woman with a tongue sharp enough to slice salami.

She is a rather large specimen, everything on her seems to be oversized: her huge4 muddy-green eyes behind her large, pink-framed glasses, her mouth which always reveals her huge teeth, really, we have seen horses with smaller teeth! Her heavy bosom and back side and her man-sized hand and feet (she wears shoe-size 12 ½!). The ears under the short-cut salt and pepper hair are big enough for sailing. And, she does need those ears! She is the nosiest person on the block; if you were to drop a nickel, she could tell you which side it landed on before you even knew that you’d dropped it!

She also is full of knowledge and good advice, or at least so she thinks.

The first time we ever met her was in a rather unusual place, inside our moving truck.

She was sitting on our green plushy arm chair, a box filled with books on her lap, when I came to get some more stuff off the truck.

"Ehehm…" I made myself heard. She turned her head and looked at me.

"Well, you are not very fast workers, are you? A truck this size should not take you guys all day to unload," she scolded me, still going through the box, filled with books.

"What are you doing here?" I asked rather annoyed.

"Well, isn’t it obvious? I am checking what kind of people I am dealing with as my new neighbors. You know, you should read less of these terrible rime novels and rather educate yourself. I will make sure to let you read some of my books, they are much more suitable for a young woman. I might even let you borrow my library card. And I better give you some of my cookbooks too; I have not found one in here! Tetetete" She shook her head disapprovingly, leaving me baffled and speechless. Finally I pulled myself together and took the box off her lap.

"If you don’t mind, I better get that stuff into the house?" I said briskly and walked off.

"You won’t believe what I…" I started to say to my son and husband when I entered the house, just to be suddenly interrupted by a voice I already had come to dislike.

"Oh my, you are really very poorly organized! I will get my husband and we’ll make sure that your place will be put together the right way in no time!" the woman from the truck exclaimed right behind me.

I dropped the box, barely missing my feet and stared at her, mouth and eyes wide open in disbelieve. This old hag had some nerve!

"Who are you?" our son asked her, being the first to get his wits together.

"Oh, I am Audette Bigsbee, but you may call me aunt Detty," she called out with a voice as sweet as syrup, giving me chills.

"That’s all right, I am way too old to call old ladies aunt!" he shot back and pushed passed her into the yard.

"Oh well, alright, but if you change your mind…" she called after him and then turned toward us, "you kids just carry on now, my hubby and I will be right back and get you organized," she chirped to my hubby and me and dashed out the door, already calling her husbands name.

"Would it be too late to cancel the contract and move somewhere else?" my husband asked, his voice not filled with a lot of hope or cheer.