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Blogs by Sandi Lyn Schraut
today, is but one more challenge! 9/1/2010 8:45:47 PM
This is reflective writing, something I use to help me see myself and my thoughts It is a variation on Natalie Goldbergs Morning pages. Please read her notes on writing, it is truth. Reflective writing for today
I feel out of my element, I feel like I am being thrust into a position of leadership, something I do so naturally and yet avoid like the plague, due to the history of being abused for political reasons beyond my control. I want to be a servant leader, yet I do not want to be trampled upon! I do not fear responsibility, it is my destiny and genetic need to be responsible, yet I have been taught to fear the light of recognition as it places one on the firing line and vulnerable to the volleys of hurt by those who wish to be leaders and yet are without the strength of character to be so. I am strong yet have a vulnerable place so tender that it is exposed to the sharks who step upon their peers inflicting wounds to rise to the top of their game. I want to be both safe and in the line of fire a flawed line of reasoning I am sure. Angels help me be what I am destined to be!
Daily, I fight the leadership role and yet take to it so naturally that my co-workers recognize it almost by instinct. I love helping others rise to their personal best, I love to see my patients become their own best friends, I love my job, I love my job. How do I deal with this fear, How do I become the leader I really am.
I do not doubt that I am that a leader as I have been so since I was a tot, I am the leader of my siblings; I am the oldest of nine sibs (8 still living). I am a mom to 6 and grandmom to 7, I am not the grandmom who is there only to give gifts of material possessions, instead I am the grandmom who is there to become the wise one, the defender of the family, who will be there as protector long after my mortal body has passed on. I am the shaman of life here on earth, I am love, wisdom, and strength, for my family.
My cousins dubbed me ‘Mother Earth” many years ago. I am a fierce protector of this green gem that spins in space, I am Greenpeace, I am one who wants to prevent ‘a silent spring’. I want the world to be a clean place for my grand and great grandchildren. I want the whales to sing forever, the taste of vegetables fresh from the garden to be as familiar as breathing. I want the air to be clear and the waters to be like a glass bubble with fishes inside that swim in their crystal depths without the threat of toxins or trash!
Today I felt like I was without strength and yet I write this and realize, no, I am just in need of a bit of support, I am tired, and overwhelmed, and life has dealt me a bit more than I felt able to handle and yet I am here, stubbornly refusing to succumb, I am in God’s hands and I am not without love from my family and friends, so I go on one more day!
