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Erik Hare

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Primary Reader
2/14/2008 7:06:47 PM

Many people have been asking very good questions about the Democratic Primaries. Sadly, I don’t have any good answers – but I can give a few really lousy ones.

Q: Why are they called “Primaries”?
A: It’s what comes first, just like “Primary School”. That’s why they often behave like 6 year olds.

Q: What is the difference between a Caucus and a Primary?
A: In a Primary, you show up and vote. In a Caucus, you go to an elementary school and after the person in the front reads some boring stuff you do the Hokey-Pokey. It really is a lot like being a 6 year old.

Q: Why are the polls so wrong?
A: You have to understand the technical aspects of polling. All of this involves calling people at random, which means that they only people who answer are either very old, very lonely, or extremely eager to vent their opinion. In a normal election where turnout is around 6%, this is a very representative sample. Sadly, however, this year too many normal people are showing up who have caller ID and something like a real life. The pollsters can’t keep up.

Q: How desperate are the Democrats for a win?
A: Let’s put it this way: the rent is due tomorrow, and you’ve only got $10. The only way you can possibly stay off the street is by purchasing ten lottery tickets. That’s what they mean when they talk about “Hope”.

Q: How do people get to be “Superdelegates”?
A: I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you.

Q: Do the Democrats’ Superdelegates have super powers?
A: Yes, but because they are Democrats they are subject to exhaustive party regulations that make it nearly impossible to use them in the interest of “fairness”.

Q: Why do delegates from Democrats Abroad only have half a vote?
A: Democrats have been caving to Republicans for years, and a general distaste for foreigners (and ex-pats) finally sank in. It’s worth noting that even slaves counted as 0.6 people, not 0.5.

Q: Is Obama officially a rockstar?
A: He’d be the first President who’s won a Grammy, so why not?

Q: I’d like to be a teevee pundit. How does one get that gig?
A: You should have no marketable talents at all, aside from the ability to state the obvious over and over, ie, “Two plus two is four, it’s exactly four, and that’s what you get when you add two and two. Four.” You can practice at home if you’d like.

Q: Why isn’t there a national primary?
A: Why isn’t there a College Football playoff system?

Q: Why is “change” so popular, even without any idea what we are going to change to?
A: It’s like this: you’ve been dating someone for a long time, and you’ve gradually begun to realize that he or she is a total loser. But you don’t break up until it’s really, really obvious that you have to because you’re too lazy and conditioned. When you’re ready to go, however, it doesn’t matter who scores you on the rebound. You just don’t ask questions. Obama looks pretty damned good and that’s good enough.

Q: Is this any way to elect a President?
A: Yes, it is, technically, “a way”. Any other way would not be half the fodder for jokes.

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More Blogs by Erik Hare
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