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A Letter to My Brother 9/24/2006 5:38:26 PM
Dear Robert,
Yesterday was your anniversary. I had planned on writing this to you then rather than today but there's been some trouble here at home. Luckily you sent me an angel to take me away from all of this for a few hours, thank you. Rebecca is growing so much, I wish you two knew each other. Maybe you do, who am I to say.
I miss you. I think about you all the time. I wish you were here to tell me what to do right now. I wish I had your ear to cry into. You'd probably tell me that I'm an idiot. And I probably am. But all any of us can do is what we feel is right for us and right now none of my options feel right. When no road looks like the one to salvation or enlightenment then is it better to stand where you are and wait for something to change or to follow down any one of the dark roads and chance ending up in hell? I don't know how to react to anything. I don't know what choices are wise and which are foolish. I don't even know if I trust the very thoughts in my head.
I'm trying to stay subjective. To continually grasp the bigger picture here. I get a few moments of sanity where I know just what to say to myself to make the pain stop and I know just what philosophy to follow to come out of this alive and for those few moments I feel smart. I feel intelligent and wise. I feel like I have everything in control. But those bulbs keep blowing out and in the darkness that follows I drown in the self-doubt, the anger, the pain, the humiliation. In those moments, all of this, all he's done, feels like cheating. I convince myself that I've suddenly become worthless... that it's all about me.
Robert. I need your help little brother. I need someone to grab my hand and pull me up just enough to keep my head above the water. Please don't let me drown.
