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Blogs by A. Sperry
It's over 9/26/2006 6:27:33 PM
You're gone. You moved out today. It has finally hit me. This is really over. I never expected this emptiness. Without your things cluttered around me, your stacks of cds on the desks and tables, your hooded sweaters by the back door. All gone. Yes I made the choice to end the relationship. But extracting you from my life has been far more painful than I ever foresaw.
I've been acting like a lunatic. It's amazing what a good dose of betrayal, pain, loneliness, and panic will do to someone. I've said things I never in a million years thought I would say to another human being. I don't know who this person is. I don't know who I am without you. The fighting... was never as loud as this silence.
I'm truly sorry that life had to turn out this way for us. There was a time that I used to look at pictures of your grandparents and think of how wonderful it would be to grow old with you. There was a time when mothering you and taking care of you made me happy. I always felt like I was reaching out to you but you always had your back turned to me. I'm so sorry for the things I've done. I'm so sorry for the things that I've said. I can't begin to make you understand how utterly terrified I am right now. I'm shaking inside from fear. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted. And I'm sorry that you couldn't be what I needed. I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I never wanted to have this anger between us. You've been hearing me say over and over for days that this hurts... but I'll say it again. Nothing in my life has ever left me feeling this damaged. I am hurting so bad right now. I don't know if you are because you never were one to tell me those things. I think you think I'm a weak person because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't help but express the way I feel and I know sometimes I do it too much too often. This hurts. It will always hurt. And no one involved in this will ever be the same again.
I think of the hopes and dreams we had the day we found out we were pregnant and I want to die inside. I have never mourned something so much as I have the loss of those dreams. For whatever reason, we both destroyed them. For my part in it I cant apologize enough to you. You and I have made some horrible decisions in life Jason. We've done some horrible things to each other. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change that you and I ever met... I would change the way we treated each other. We didn't know what we could have had. And now we never will. I'm so sorry for that. I hope that I find some way to go on. And I hope that I find somewhere in me, the strength to be what our daughter needs me to be. I hope life treats you kind. I hope you find happiness.
