REFLECTIONS ON MOTHERHOOD
On a late afternoon in the early part of the year 1960, I became acquainted with motherhood. The day dawned crisp and clear, with a bright sun that seemed to illuminate my performance. The pain of a long and frightening labor and delivery dissipated as I held my first-born in my arms, feeling God-like and so completely amazed. The full impact of the essence and on-going tribulations of mothering would not register until some time later. On that day I could only comprehend that I had participated in the awesome creation of life.
In the space of ten years I bore six children. Birth control at that time was not as sophisticated or accurate as it is today. A pregnancy resulted with each method tried.
As I watched my brood grow from infancy to toddlers and finally to teenagers, I initially held, in my naivety, the belief that it was the mother, the primary nurturer, that molded those young beings into the adults they would become. Reality soon proved that I was only right to a minor degree. Much of who they were was dictated by their genes, and their peers, as well as their environment. The fact that I could not coerce or manipulate them into the preconceived notion of what I felt they should be, was a crushing blow; yet it also relieved me of a stupendous responsibility.
There were times when I thought my children would be the death of me, times when I wanted to run away, take on a new identity and forget those intricate little people who seemed to suck the very life from me. But children take, in order to learn how to give. One night when my husband angrily asked why there always had to be three people in our bed, a tiny voice piped up from beneath the blankets and said, "Because I love you both." Countless anecdotes such as that took the edge off wet beds and night terrors.
Other times, my children were convinced that their intelligence surpassed mine and were rude enough to constantly remind me of this truism. Through perseverance, the day arrived when they seemed impressed by my small degree of good sense. Long discourses were held concerning the infamous "they" who were always allowed to do things forbidden to my children, and there futile searches for Mr. Somebody and Mr. Nobody, unseen strangers who lived within my home and were guilty of all the despicable acts my children could not possibly have done. I never caught sight of these impish and they mysteriously disappeared when my children grew up and left home. They seem to be making a reappearance with my grandchildren.
When tragedy struck, like a bolt of lightning on a murky summer day, and took the life of one of my children, I thought then, and still do, that nothing on God's earth could match the pain of losing a child. Only her siblings and their incessant needs kept me from total despair. Yet, I wouldn't have missed the fourteen years of having her, loving her, watching her grow.
I tried to raise my children by setting a good example, which led to the universal opinion within my home that I was a "nerd", a do-gooder, or just plain out of it; not up on the times. Strangely enough, I now have five adult nerds. It must have been contagious. I never expected my children to be perfect, which was just as well, for they were not; only human. But they strove for perfection as if to prove me wrong, and almost achieved it. As I look at them today, responsible young adults, Isee admirable individuals, not due to my herculean efforts, but rather to luck, a lot of love, and their own endeavors. I feel as if I played as much a spectator part as a catalyst in their upbringing, maybe a bit of both. And if I imparted any wisdom or guidance along their bittersweet trek toward adulthood, I got back a hundredfold more than I gave.
Now that I have ventured into grand motherhood, a mother once removed, life seems to replay a familiar routine. Again I am inspired by the act of nurturing and shaping healthy bodies and sound minds.
I have played many roles throughout my life, held various occupations, and achieved certain goals, as has every woman. Yet of all my accomplishments, the role most cherished, the role I find most fulfilling and important, is that of motherhood. Everything else pales by comparison.
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