Sometimes, it seems to me, I don't mean anything. In today's standards, I am a big, fat nothing... In a God’s standards? Not even felt. But, in my household, I seem to be a mother/wife/me.

There are other standards, belief-standards and faith-standards, I learned them from early Catholic Elementary School, and, even then, I was shocked into disbelief.

The reason? As terrible as the then-war torn regions of our world, as inclusive a clique as I'd never seen, as abominable a thought I wouldn't have ever dreamed, any baby who died unbaptized wouldn’t go to heaven. I wasn't baptized until I was six or seven, before I even knew the words, I ‘felt’ I was damned.

That was it, for me. God was a monster. I didn't know a hoot about other religions, way back then, National Geographic was expanding consciencessness, and what an exciting world it was!

We were not alone, anymore! The planet held wonders, gorgeous or grotesquely never seen, before! Of course of course, now! Just look at that back-then's Earth, about thirty/forty years ago, so lushly uncorrupted as it is now…

And, then, there are 'forced-growth-standards', which strip apart any old fallacies of happy 70's life that may, maybe, have formed the consequences, and some minds, of then/now, ripped apart, and reapplied. Okay, how does that work? Ha! Don’t answer that, I’ve already lived it.

Then, then now-now, I go into the kitchen to finish cleaning up the Mother’s Day meal. There’s corn-on-the-cob in a pot to be refrigerated, I notice a few small moths on the water’s surface, drowned, all by themselves…

The sautéed onions are to the left, and, they’ve had no cover from the light attracting moths and such. Their color hides beige/dark intrusions. I think, ‘So what, it’s not like moth bodies aren’t in processed meat, this is better, it’s fresh, and, maybe the moth’s wing dust will magically carry me away from processed defeat, from being some other!”

Sometimes, it seems to me, I am everything. By a quirk of circumstances, I am a big, fat,
Evolving something. In God’s standards, so what? I am shocked, into belief.

Even though I know better.

Erin Elizabeth Kelly-Moen
© Copyright 5/12/07