Shuttering shadows show no feelings,
heaving darkness, mind impeding,
biting malice, circled stealing,
confounding lives, never conceding.

Stuttering envy, madness quaking,
hoisting anger, rancor seething,
battering self, sad mistaking,
completing loss by hate’s bequeathing.

Shattering windows, fragment keeping,
hacking seizures, empty gleaning,
burying soul, chaos weeping,
concluding in death, void of meaning.

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This was my explanation of the piece...

This is a piece on human malignancy, how their actions denigrate not only others, but themselves.

Shuttering shadows show no feelings,-their(malignant people) minds are closed and uncaring about others
heaving darkness, mind impeding,-throwing malice every-which-way and hurting their own minds in the process
biting malice, circled stealing,-they relish hurting others, hurting themselves as well
confounding lives, never conceding.-leaving traces of pain, never admitting they are wrong

Stuttering envy, madness quaking,-they envy others, which makes them furiously angry
hoisting anger, rancor seething,-so they, once again, force their bitter thoughts on others, while living in a stew of rancor
battering self, sad mistaking,-crushing their spirits through their own mistakes
completing loss by hate’s bequeathing.-and are consumed by what they have wrought~~if you'll notice, the punctuation in these two verses is mirrored, up to down

Shattering windows, fragment keeping,-in the end they break, holding on tightly to bits and pieces of their ruined lives
hacking seizures, empty gleaning,-trying yet to slash and hurt, but to less fulfillment
burying love, chaos weeping,-I could change love to truth, you think?-they lose the last of their kinder humanity, laughing and crying in confused semi-knowledge
concluding in death, void of meaning.-and in the end, when they die, their lives had no purpose, really

I tried to use -ing action words in the first part of the lines, and reaction -ing words in the second, cause and effect, in a manner.

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And the response that got me rethinking...

I like the theme of this piece and the rhyme scheme abab is simple enough, however, I found myself somewhat distracted by all the 'ing' words.

As I understand it, 'ing' words can be used in three main ways; as adjectives, as nouns, or as verbs, but each usage comes with its own set of problems. If used too often as adjectives, the piece is seen as over-modified. If used as nouns or verbs, the they're often labelled as 'gerunds' and are considered to weaken the strength of the words. Of course, if you change the 'ing' words, you're gonna have all sorts of problems in maintaining the rhyme scheme and depending on the words you use to maintain that scheme, you're gonna then be tagged for having a forced rhyme scheme. Sigh. It ain't fair, is it? (When did poetry become so difficult anyway? hehe!)

Just by way of example, I've modified your first strophe by changing the passive 'ing' words to (hopefully) more active ones (while also hopefully maintaining your theme).

Quote
Shuttering shadows show no feelings,
heaving darkness, mind impeding,
biting malice, circled stealing,
confounding lives, never conceding.


Shuttered shadows, no feelings left,
are draped in darkness, minds impeded.
Their biting malice, circular theft,
confound a life, no regret conceded.

I know it's not the greatest and you would need to tweak it a little to maintain the meter, but do you see what I mean?

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And my tweaking...

Shuttering shadows show no feelings,
(Neglected lessons waste emotions)
heaving darkness, mind impeding,
(darkness of thoughts create implosion)
biting malice, circled stealing,
(Anger escapes with savage teaching)
confounding lives, never conceding.
(pain inflicted becomes far-reaching.)

Stuttering envy, madness quaking,
(Malignant reasons become imbued)
hoisting anger, rancor seething,
(drab colored world takes on self's truth)
battering self, sad mistaking,
(Anger resides in varied blightings)
completing loss by hate’s bequeathing.
(Inner peace has given up fighting.)

Shattering windows, fragment keeping,
(Stricken by awareness, emptied glass)
hacking seizures, empty gleaning,
(flings its shadows, deeds amassed)
burying love, chaos weeping,
(destroyed and anguished, feelings betrayed)
concluding in death, void of meaning.
(the end has come, the devil's parade.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ending with the reworked version...

Neglected lessons waste emotions,
darkness of thought creates implosion.
Anger escapes with savage teaching,
pain inflicted becomes far-reaching.

Malignant reasons become imbued,
drab colored world takes on self's truth.
Anger resides in varied blightings,
inner peace has given up fighting.

Stricken by awareness, emptied glass
shards its shadows, deeds amassed,
destroyed and anguished, feelings betrayed,
the end has come, with devil's parade.

Erin Moen
7/03/03
Copyright 2003 ©