I am my own worst enemy!
My love a death ray,
An oft misfired predilection,
Its shockwave far more intense
Than any midnight kiss could ever hope to be!
I am a china shop catastrophe!
Love has shaken my house asunder!
Love has wrecked my reputation!
Love has brought me to my knees!

I rant, I rave, all sackcloth and ashes
Crying, “Never again! Never again!”

And yet,

Time passes,
Like one more late night freight train,
My heart rumbles with the yearning.
The pendulum swings, the past is severed,
And suddenly I find myself
Walking around in a new skin.

This time, I tell myself,
This time will be different.
This time I know what I need.
This time I’ll get it right.
This time I will succeed!

There must be someone out there,
I say to myself, someone unique.
A predictable piece of the puzzle,
More profound than electric finger-tips,
More persistent than the pain of
Eternal separation,
More determined than this unrelenting
Chatter in my brain!

All I need is someone I can trust.

This, the very heart and soul of it.
The key exclusive,
The Holy Grail of love.

So we made a pact, early on, no secrets…
I from her or her from me.

Did I miss something?

We both started out ever-so-cautiously:
“That’s a nice hat.
Have you been living here long?”
“Do you come here often?
Is that your dog?”
“Do you have a favorite game?”
“Can I walk you home?”

We kept it simple, chatting contentedly.
Changing topics,
Circumventing any hint of anxiety,
Angling to catch the occasional nod and smile.
Backgammon and pleasantries,
This pretense of public diversion
Lasting for a little while.

But there was this thing,
This thing about our ages.
And I had to ask myself,
Was my passing fancy
Faked for the sake
Of that first impression
Or to fill a simple need,
Regarding some sophomoric inclination?

I had a bad case of those
‘I gotta meet somebody new’ blues,
And I knew it.

We were both killing time.
Hanging out at our favorite cafe,
Consciously caught up in the coffee scene.
Better this than, say,
Another uneventful evening
Bound by the four walls of misery!

And no, this wasn’t the first time
I had elected to be content
With the occasional fragments
Of a trivial pursuit conversation.
Knowing all too well,
Her seven letter Scrabble words,
No matter how impressive,
Would never be enough.
Her triple word plays,
No matter how astounding,
Would never be enough…
To truly size this lady up.

But when we whispered back and forth,
Whispered soft and low,
Neither one of us one wanted to be the first
To talk out loud, to break the spell,
To let go.

And when I told you
I really liked your wild and beautiful hair,
You began to show more interest in me.
And that seemed a good thing.

Your company was a godsend,
A refuge for my wandering spirit,
A lighthouse and a library.
Your perfume, honey suckle and hibiscus,
With a hint of herbs, coco, and nicotine.
Your canine companion
Slowly warming up to me.
I found myself following in your wake,
Tagging along for a week, then two, then three…

I must admit,
You made me smile
More often than I had
In a very, very long while.

And at first I was quite pleased
Knowing these things do take time.
Until time ticking oh, so slowly,
Felt less like friend, more like thief.
And I tried so hard to trust myself,
My instincts and experience,
Telling more the loss,
The dread, the insecurity.
I, destined to be the victim of some
Unpredictable predicament,
All my former failings
Closing in on me.

Within a month it found its niche,
This insipid obsession,
Though I tried my best to evict it.
A bulldozer sensation,
Shoving everything aside,
I became convinced
I needed some small
Emotional concession, otherwise,
I would end up watching the threads
Of my carefully woven tapestry unwind.

And before I knew it,
I was too nervous, trying too hard,
Leaving the socio-logic behind.
And in the end I ended up revealing
More about myself than I knew to be wise.

I’m still not certain why I do this.
But it happens almost every time.
My plaintiff plea, insufferable,
Spoken out of habit,
Old tapes and a one-track mind.
I cannot seem to fully curb
This irksome verbal tendency.
I figure,
If I share the good and the bad,
The happy and the sad,
It might somehow make it easier
For you
To make up your mind
About me.

Perhaps it isn’t such a hot idea
For someone who has,
Shall we say, a bit too much to hide.

Three marriages and three divorces…
Three children held hostage…
Open-heart surgery…
One too many nervous breakdowns
And all the medications
That I’ll have to take tonight.

I shrug and sigh, “Just being honest...”

I, more than most, understand
How we all want to be wanted.
“Can I sing you a song?
Would you like another coffee?”
We all need to be needed.
“Did I thank you for that scarf you made?
Can I tell you about my latest dream?”
We all love to be loved.
“Have I told you ‘I love you’ lately?
Let me say it again.”

Did I frighten you?
Some people are afraid of love, you know.
Personally,
I couldn’t stop myself from loving you.
You made it so effortless.
And in the beginning
You said that was what you wanted too,
Didn't you?

Regardless,
Sometimes I think that I’d rather be
A piece of furniture or a toy,
An old stuffed armchair,
A favorite Teddy Bear,
One part comfort, two parts joy!
Did I mention I liked being used?
All I ask is that you use me with care.
Make me a part of your life.
Take me everywhere!
I simply refuse to go through life
Feeling worthless and downhearted.
And yes, I know Teddy Bears can be abused,
They do wear out,
And eventually they may even be discarded.

But I have to wonder,
What has come of that special place,
That space in everybody’s heart,
That place of safekeeping?
That safe that time should never touch.

Is nothing sacred?
I have seen this coveting,
People who collect dolls, cars, art…
Yet, few will ever say,
“For as long as I live
I will keep everyone and everything
That I have ever loved
Here, forever here, in this, my heart of hearts!”

Have we become so jaded,
So comfortable with the prospect
That affection eventually loses its potency?
And our commitments, so solemnly offered up,
In the end, will they likewise
Be discarded so capriciously?

I tried to show you how much I cared.
I don’t think I was wrong in doing that.
I must confess, I wanted to be loved.
And I was finding it difficult to defy
Your obvious temptations.


Oh do forgive me.
Am I boring you to tears?
Here I am going on and on,
With these lovesick lamentations.



Michael S. True
1-2-2005 last edit 1-13-2014