Sacrificing Happiness

I’m torn

Worn out from constantly putting the likes of others before me

Sacrificing my own happiness for happiness that is not my own

All my life I’ve shown others by way of leading them and teaching them 

My actions are highly glorified

But they become horrified

When the saint hood once justified

Is no longer the bigger piece of me

I’m in love

Feelings that were once felt by the man whom which I bore children

Raised them without that said man

Feelings that helped me wed him and vow before God that with him I have found my salvation

Or so it was assumed

Until I was doomed a statistic

Another African American female

With an ironic story to tell that ends in divorce

Forced to become her

She I see in the streets wiping snot from babies running noses.

Carrying purses and diaper bags

Angry at the life she chose

She is me

I am her

But I am in love

Feelings felt on Sunday morning get togethers with family members

Pre my new beau

BFF’s becomes jealous bitches as I tend to switch my weekend plans to cuddle with my new man

Stereotypes become lullabies

And lies to justify reasons I should not be with him

Pointing fingers

Dancing on dangerous grounds as my old BFF says with a frown

I am putting my man before my kids

His kids

As in the man that helped me become a statistic

Still kicks it

But the minute I find true love again

I become an unfit parent

I can only sacrifice so much

As a woman I yearn for a man’s touch

I’m a submissive human being

And in my house my man is the king

Divided by three

I have two boys whom I give love unconditionally

By the guy who selfishly decided how my life was going to be

But I’m in love

I’m being pulled in different directions

To satisfy the affections of other people

 Dissatisfied by the man you want to be with and the man I chose

Nothing I say or do will ever be good enough because the minute I was touched by another man I became disowned

No one has to live in my heart or soul but me and as I said repeatedly I’m in love so the end all will be with me

Family wants best

And try to press their beliefs on me

Passing judgment on this hard leg like the one that left his kids as I mentioned in the beginning

Sex shall not overshadow consciousness

So my eyes are open

Plain to see that in front of me is my knight in shinning armor.

I’m still torn

A woman scorned by her first love and plagued by trust issues

A prisoner in my own heart

Forced to make a decision between family feuds and the man I choose

I speak my mind through my heart and not my throat so I don’t choke on the words FUCK YOU.

Because Honestly I will do what I want to do regardless of how it is perceived in other people’s eyes

The sun doesn’t shine on someone who constantly grips and grime about issues that are not there own

Sticking necks in places not meant

Speaking on topics where comments are not warranted

So please allow me to reintroduce my inner essence to true peace and happiness

If loving this man was meant

It will be done regardless

With or without your compliments

Being as it seems you believe reality will hit me where the sun don’t beam

Beg and plead for me to leave  

Try to remember that not every guy I meet is not in it to sell me dreams

~Keli Danice~