“Write On” A slight Autobiography

They tell me if I write it out

That it will make me feel better

But it has been so damn long since I have put this pen to paper

To deal with my feelings

Or the vibes that crush my soul

My destructive thoughts

So haunting like that old time rock and roll

The sweet honey for my ears to taste and hold

I need Prince to stir my senses

And Joe Elliott to take me home

I need to scream with Steven Tyler

And drop “F” bombs with Amy Lee

I need to Cool down with Boston

And allow Gary Wright to help me drift off to dream

In that mellow distant place where I can finally breathe

As I take center stage as a performer

With my band of brothers backing me

But, alas, here comes the darkness

A nightmare, if you will

As the Dark Shadows theme song haunts me

And I make a run into the hills

I wind up in a sacred mountain up high

So high that there is a mist

And Heart performs “These Dreams”

But I’ll be damned if I can find my prince

I bump into some weird creature

And I yell “Alice Cooper, for Pete sakes, Feed Your Frankenstein!”

But all I hear is laughter

As Alice and Rob Zombie buzz of in Herman Munster’s Dragula

Leaving me to fend off the ugly beast

The one with the Bette Davis eyes

What a wild looking creature!

Or is it the demons of the past all in one?

Coming back to shake me up

And remind me of where I come from?

My past I cannot escape

Follows me like a lost puppy dog

And whilst I am being tortured

All of my haters sleep like a log

I am such a messed up individual

Having to pee a million times when in strange places or even when I am with a good friend

Sometimes I tend to stutter which is really strange

And my memory isn’t always the best

And it feels weird to act my age

Because I’m stuck in teenage years where home school started from

I was 15 going on 16 and dealing with so much

But for the years away from crowds, classes, jack asses, and experiences

I came out with better grades and was much smarter

But I will always be haunted by it

As the others crossed before me

A stage where I could not dwell

I became even more of an outsider

But in all honesty, who could seriously stand that hell?

Where being different, quiet, shy, and fat…

Being a book worm, out of the norm, and strange

Meant you had to be bullied

Meant you had to be questioned

Meant you had to be forgotten and betrayed

Feeling the knife go in deeper

As I grew weaker

So I took my sorry back side and I ran

Did the home school

Took on a part time job where I was paid under the table

Discovered the internet and at 16 we got our first computer

Purpureopasion, Purobelleza, Iceprincess_1816, nightvision_writer, rckchk83

A couple personas

Dating a guy 2 years younger over a computer screen

Thought I had found the one

Flowers from a guy in Alabama when I was 18

Such a romantic, but it turns out to be tragic

When that familiar on-line handle goes away

So many jobs in my life, mainly cleaning and some factory

My only face to face relationship started when I was 23

Sex before or around the ripe old age of 24

Oh man, so exciting

But nothing lasts forever

5 years of off and on love with the same guy went right down the crapper

But, what does it matter?

Even I would not want me

Driver’s license finally at 26 and it was worth the wait

First self published book released when I was around 23

Wow I have 12 books out now at almost 34

But still not many notice me

I’m too sensitive, too deep for my own good

My temper, my potty mouth, my need of longing for more

For someone, for freedom

Waiting for God to open another door

Yes, I am a believer and when there is no one left to love I know Jesus always will

I know God made me in the secret place

He knew me even before my mom did

At least she cared about me

Unlike my father who never wanted me to exist

That sorry bastard said terrible things and would beat mom and I when he was pissed

It was his way or no way

And I am quite certain my mental illness was inherited from him

And it was brought forth from the pain

From the shame and all the hurt

Always wondering what continuing on living was really worth

But I grew up

Grew up hating myself as I often do today

Known and befriended so many liars and cheaters

But at first they never came off that way to me

The way of the world is colder, crueler

Then what it even was back then

My heart hurts for all I cannot control

And, oh, heads would roll if only I could have my say

But I am better staying silent

Wouldn’t want to speak out and be called a retard again by my sister

She is a giant bully who is selfish, rude, and mean

She, as others do, thinks that this mental illness is all in my head

She thinks I should be working and that I am a loser because I still live at home with my mom

And, oh, do not forget that I did not stay in school and that I have no boyfriend and no kids, etc.

Makes one feel like sweet roses, doesn’t it?

If only this muzzle had a key

And y’all can hate me

Judge me

Spit right in my face

I have seen and heard it all

Had my life threatened various times

Yet, here I am

Standing in the same place

Oh, perhaps the world is not ready

Not ready for such a woman as I

But one day I will leave my mark

And all you haters will have nothing better to do

Than to sit back and watch this 80’s rckchk shine!

By,

Tiffany Simar

9/16/17 with revisions on 9/18/17

*this was a late nighter finishing up after 1 in the morning!