Amen!
I was told that I am drowning
And that I would drown
Will it be in my own tears?
Will it be in my own blood?
Will in be in my own guilt?
Or perhaps my shame?
I am afraid of the one thing that is inevitable
Heaven is promised to me
And yet I feel terrible
These anxiety/panic attacks are kicking me hard
I am not used to this
I have never dealt much with this kind of detail
It is scrawled at the bottom of Satan’s letter to the Christians who try too hard...It reads:
Due to you attempting to seek the light and love of Jesus and His Father, I will have to sic on you the wrath of a thousand worries, fears, and regrets.
You will find yourself feeling overwhelmed
Feeling extremely anxious, shook up, and out of the loop
You will try seeking your so-called Lord, but I will continue to throw stones your way
It is the least I can do for someone so sweet and honest
Enjoy those loud outbursts and fight-or-flight feelings
Xoxo,
Satan
What a dastardly soul!
Who does Satan think he is after all?
I am the Kings Kid and yet I am so far gone
I am a mess of a mess and I stress about things that do not matter
My weight is at its highest
My hopelessness is eating at me like a spider sucking blood from its kill
My heart is shattered and has been this way for longer than six years now
Or has it been longer?
Perhaps I am doomed to loneliness
But I refuse to allow it to be at Satan’s hands!
There has to be a way out, for my Lord would never let me take on more than I can handle
But I can allow myself to do this
Stretching myself thin again, but looking like the New Year Blimp whilst doing so
I am a giver
I am a lover
I am a sinner
I will fight for what I believe in
I will stand up to the face of hatred and spit in its ugly eye
And I will somehow best this demon
He has been holding me down for a long time now
But I will somehow overcome it all or die trying
And it is a shame that there are so many people who understand
I hate to see others hurting
I hate feeling hopeless and helpless
I hate messing up
Breaking things
Saying the wrong things
Over speaking
Or never saying enough
Suicidal and yet longing for real life
Real love
Real truth
Real honesty
Real peace
Peace? What does it mean?
To breathe freely and for once come by it honestly
Not stealing air from a helpless tree or the person standing next to me
To inhale deeply and exhale
To feel happy
Truly happy for once
Oh sweet peace
I crave you
I long for your fingers to run through my hair
To see the glow in your eyes as you smile at me
Someday we will meet
Even if it is not until I am laid to rest
Oh peace, we were made for one another
I will seek you as I seek my Lord in Heaven
He is near
He is here in my heart
He walks with me
I will figure this all out and He will laugh at my plans and remind me that He loves me for me
Am I drowning?
Perhaps
Will I be able to get my head above the flowing waters?
We shall see
Will you be there on the other side waiting for me?
Lend a hand
Pull me to safety
And I will forever be in your debt
We got this, Kid
We got this
Amen and
Amen!
By, Tiffany Simar
11/30/17
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