How The Sheriff Stole Christmas
By SALLEY SUE


Forgive me Dr. Seuss


All the Mudvos down in Mudville
Liked Christmas a lot
But the Sheriff
Who lived just north of Mudville
Did not
The Sheriff hated Christmas
The Whole holiday season
And if you asked why, nobody knew the reason
It could be those loud beer parties all night
And the way them rednecks loved a good fight
But the very most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was way too small
But,
Whatever the reason, His job or heart too
On Christmas Eve, he hated every Mudvo
Staring down from his patrol car with a frown
At the wild celebration below in their town
He knew all the Mudvos in Mudville that night
Who'd be sloppy jacked up until morning light
“They're chugging their jugs,” he said with a sigh
“And before dawn some idiot will think he can fly”
He scratched his head through his official hat
“Clean up on Christmas, oh hell no to that!”
For tomorrow he knew....All the redneck Mudvos
Would set off firecrackers and play their kazoos
And then! Oh the noise, the noise, loud noise
And all the Mudvo boys would get monster truck toys
Then the Mudvos young and old would sit down to eat
And they'd eat, eat! and eat! eat! eat!
They'd start on the biscuits and red eye gravy
Just the thought of it drove the Sheriff half crazy
And THEN
They'd do something he hated most of all
Every Mudvo in Mudville, both tall and small
Would gather around the village Christmas tree
And have a wrestling match to see
Who was the toughest Mudvo of all time
Then the Christmas bells would chime, chime, chime
The more the bells chimed the more they would fight
And they'd fight, fight, fight, fight, fight
The more the Sheriff thought about that
The Christmas Mudvo wrestling match
A plan in his brain began to hatch
“Why for forty four years I've put up with it now
I have to stop the Mudvo celebration somehow
Then the idea jelled, an awful idea
THE SHERIFF GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA
I know just what to do, he squealed like a rat
And he made a makeshift Santy coat and hat
He snickered and smirked
“What a perfect awful trick”
With my big belly I'll look just like Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a reindeer...”
And the Sheriff looked around
But since reindeer are yankees
There won't none to be found
It didn't stop the Sheriff, he simply said
“Since there aint no reindeer in the South
I'm make one instead”
So he called his hound Rufus and took some red thread
And tied a buck rack on top of his head
Then
He loaded some empty bottle bags
On an ole wooden sled
And he hitched up ole Rufus with the rack on his head
The sled started down
Toward the trailers of the Mudvos in Mudville Town
All the windows were dark 'cause they was all snoozin
To sleep off a night of carousin and boozin
He came to the first house on a dirt road
“Stop number one,” Dirty Sheriff Claus said
He picked the lock as he chuckled in his head
To go down the though the wood stove
That choice would be his last
For fear he'd get blistered on his fat ass
Inside Mudvo socks were hung up on a line
Bad Santa snickered, “These socks are mine”
With an evil grin he stole deer heads and pheasants
Then he sneaked around and stole every present
Plaid flannel shirts and shotgun shells
Redneck Barbie dolls and silver cow bells
Kid Rock CD's and and a new axe for choppin
He was on a roll, no way was he stoppin
He stuffed the presents into an empty sack
Then toted them to his sled on his back
He took all the whiskey, he stole all the gin
He took all the Patrón with a wicked grin
He took all the cigs and the cigars as well
Why this Mudville holiday would seen like hell
He opened the fridge and to his surprise
All the Christmas treats he saw with his eyes!
Country ham and pickled pigs' feet in jars
More cold beer than you'd ever find in the bars
Brandy soaked fruitcake and bourbon balls
He stuffed it in a bag....he took it all
He took all the sweets, he took all the meats
He didn't leave those Mudvos a can of Treet
He took “Billy Bass” down from the wall,
What a drag
He stole the fishin rods and the rebel flag
He took everything that he could see
“And NOW” He grinned, “I'll take the tree”
He pulled the tree out through the door
Then went back inside to look for more
He turned around fast and to his surprise
There stood a small Mudvo with tears in her eyes
There in her jammies stood Salley Sue Mudvo
Who was very tiny and not more than two.
The Sheriff had been caught by a cute little kid
Who wasn't supposed to be out of her bed
She stared at him and asked “Santy Claus,
Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
This don't seem like a Merry Christmas to me”
But that false Santy was so sneaky and slick
He thought up a lie to tell her real quick
“Little Girl, this tree is too puny for you
So I planned a surprise I was going to do
Why look at the sparseness, look how sickly
I've cut you a better one and will bring it quickly”
Salley Sue Mudvo seemed satisfied with his lie
So she headed back to bed after waving goodbye
And when he was sure she was snoring in bed
He loaded the tree on the back of his sled
He took all the fire logs and rolled them down a slope
Then he led away the hogs on a long length of rope
He did the same dirty deeds
At the other Mudvos' mobile homes too
And he congratulated himself
'Cause he thought he was through
It was almost dawn
All Mudvos were still snoozin in bed
When the Sheriff packed up his sled
Packed it with their presents and all their booze
The boxes, the ribbons, the wrappins too
Three thousand feet up the side of Mount Spurnit
He'd light it afire and gleefully burn it
“Poop on the Mudvos,” he grinned as he sang
“This Christmas morning would begin with a bang”
“They're waking up now, I know what they'll do”
“They'll look for the presents a minute or two”
Then all the Mudvo rednecks will cry BOO-HOO”
“A loud noise”, grinned the Sheriff
“That I simply must hear!”
So he waited and put a big hand to his ear
And he did hear a noise rising up from the valley
All the Mudvos in Mudville began to rally
It couldn't be so, it was merry,VERY!
He stared down at Mudville
And couldn't believe his eyes
What he saw was a shocking surprise
Every Mudvo down in Mudville, tall and small
Was singing, chimes ringing
Without any Southern Comfort or presents at all !
He HADN'T stopped Christmas it came just the same
And the Sheriff with his boots stuck in the snow
Stood wondering how it still came, how could it be so?
It came without beer, biscuits, ham or Patrón
No presents, no toys or trees
Why Christmas came all alone!!
He thought and he thought until his thinker was sore
Then he thought a thought he hadn't thought before
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “is a whole lot more”
“Maybe the holiday season means a little bit more”
And what happened then, well in Mudville they say
That the Sheriff's small heart grew three sizes that day
And the minute his heart felt so right
He whizzed down the mountain in the morning light
He brought back the presents, the booze and the toys
And the monster trucks for the Mudvo boys
He brought back the trees and all the food too
Then he did just what a good Sheriff should do
HE HIMSELF
The Sheriff.... served the yams
And carved the damn ham



12/21/2012 Salley Sue