I have written a series of poems loosely based on the adventures of Double Trouble ( LaBelle and Southern Comfort) alais Selma and Gert

Tis the season for Gert to get drunk and fall on her ass,
We crash Christmas parties, get thrown out for we have no class.
Gert always makes fruitcakes as dry as dust,
Cause she drinks all the rum and sherry, but I don't fuss.
Gert made a Zerox of her ample booty, a true gift of joy,
She gave them to past lovers, if they had been good little boys.
I took her to the mall to sit on Santa's lap, but she was put under arrest,
By the little elf she tried to molest.
She pulled down his pants and found a whistle to blow,
He yelled," You stop that, you Ho Ho Ho!"
I keep bail money handy this time of year,
Gert hates going to jail, she screams," Selma, get me the Hell outta here!"
Gert is my bestest pal, she is a real hoot,
Especially when she gets plastered, she is really cute.
Gert got arrested for taking a Chea Pet,
And sticking it in a place the giver soon won't forget.
If you dare give Gert The Clapper, you damn well better run!
Gert hates them damn things, they make her draw her gun!
Give her an Ove-Glove, she'll put it on your head and give it a light,
The last person to give her one, had their hair burning bright.
Gert gave me a Santa for the night, hung like a moose,
I gave Gert a wee, little man, dressed like an elf, so she could go buck wild and bust loose!
The little elf wasn't so little everywhere,
He tickled Gert's fancy and did it with flair!
My gift Santa was humpin to please,
He knew how to lick, tug, slurp and tease.
Gert's gift elf wrapped his pole and added a big, red bow,
As Gert joyfully unwrapped it she muttered," Ho Ho Ho!"
With moans of pleasure and much delight,
Selma and Gert say," Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!'

Music: I'm Gettin Nuttin For Christmas