I hate being alone more than can ever be explained
It's so terrifing to me that it becomes insane
While the voices in my head bombard me with dread
The visions take me places I fear to tread
I wish I could get a handle on why I feel this way
Then maybe these visions would lose their power some day
I'm better than I used to be - I know that in my heart
I can be alone at home for days and the fear doesn't start
It's when I am in a strange place that is completely unknown
That the the fear overtakes me as I know I'm alone
The visions are in a fog and the thoughts are unclear
There are just shadows of dark figures coming ever near
The adult in me comes out when I allow her too.
But the kid is on my sleeve now and doesn't know what to do.
It's like she trying to run away from the unstoppable tide
Begging, screaming, and crying to God for somewhere to hide
There are demons chasing me trying to pull me back
I'm always just one step ahead of that screaming pack
I can feel their cold hands grab at the back of my shirt
I run even faster now - my senses more alert
Somewhere in this process God must take a hand
Because the demons go away and God takes command
I have no idea exactly how or when this occurs
All of the sudden there's a voice "Be at peace - I am here"
So much of the process is like an Algebraic equation
If I could just find the missing x I could fix the abrasion
This process is just so hard to understand
It's like being in a plane with no where to land
It's hard to keep up with this internal struggle
While I'm trying to find all the pieces of the puzzle
Sometimes I think of giving up this everlasting fight
Give it up and not care what happens to my plight
My battle scars are deep and my wounds still bleeding
Little by little my hope continues receding
But there is always this voice in the back of my brain
It's saying "Don't give up now - There's too much to gain"

Tracy Kiewel Sutterer