April 1992 Twelve years ago less a month I was missing you, uncertain as to why… there inside I think I know you are an arch, my gateway to future dreams. And I call to ask if you will be driving west to the conference this spring. I want to hitch a ride, fix my fading dreams to your bright, shooting star. Sinking, I stay in the East.
April 1993 Night falls faster than ever, swallows memory of any future free. For a time, I forget hope. A child, conceived and born in darkest night, comes as gift on first day of Spring; I took him out and one month to the day, he meets you. You hold him the way you have always held my heart, not knowing that your hands build a bridge of hope.
April 1994-1995 Another year. You’ve moved on, and father of my child wants no more of us. Thick curtain falls, and I swim unseen in seas thick with absence, suffering. Then: unexpected light. You greet me with a hug, extend another chance. I cry with joy three days straight, then walk across that bridge into my future filled with promise, filled with you.
April 1996 Spring comes the following year. Aching, troubled now by tides I can’t control. Love sweeps through me, carries me with unyielding current always back to you. I know I love you and know these are deep, forbidden waters sure to drown any possibility of lasting stability at work, in life… despair, darkness closes in.
April 1997-April 2004 So love’s ocean swallows me. Seven years unmoved and unmovable, I lie at bottom of the sea. Nothing stirs me. I grieve, gulp saltwater tears. I rise once to do that which deep-sea healers recommend. I tell you then all I know there is to tell. Those in your world try to push me under more, not knowing my home is hell.
May 2004 Twelve years since forgotten Spring, missing you again, uncertain as to why... I drive south this time, deeper into lost soul to find some arch, gateway to elusive future I don’t really believe in anymore. Arriving there, your name is everywhere – on street signs, in restaurants, on pages I write. Still, I cannot escape love.
just a note to Kate & others who've emailed re:
>>>I fully believe and have experienced that the love of God in the person of Jesus Christ is the only thing that not only mends, but recreates such that it is as though the pain was never there
***Thanks, Kate. My faith in Jesus Christ is all that has sustained me through loss mentioned above and the related losses of a place to live out my calling, my family of faith asking me (and my 5-year-old) to leave and a subsequent diagnosis with manic-depressive illness, emotional collapse and financial ruin. My own experience, however, has been that, in some instances, our wounds are not so quickly anesthetized or healed; I have discovered that on ocassions where my wounds are too deep for me to do anything at all, God takes my willingness to be real and honest and to seek healing and does something beautiful, whether or not the pain subsides.
I DO believe that God may, in time, choose to heal me as though the pain was never there as you suggest, although my life circumstance (in my everyday life and in my heart) simply does not allow me to search for love. And that is, of course, the greatest grief I feel... the one that has come closest to splitting me wide open. Thanks for your words and your always insightful reviews,
Dawn
There is a deep tragedy, here, Dawn, for which I am truly sorry. I hope that expressing it in this way brings some relief and healing - a kind of catharsis. We can all carry grief over many "lost" things (and people!) in our spirits which can really break us. In my own personal experience of dealing with such grief, such a deeply spiritual wound, I have found, needs a spiritual remedy. I fully believe and have experienced that the love of God in the person of Jesus Christ is the only thing that not only mends, but recreates such that it is as though the pain was never there in the first place. I hope you don't mind my frankness, but I think that time passing may anaesthetise our wounds though it cannot fully mend the damage done. Keep searching for there are other loves to receive, to be real and enjoyed, and many others who are still seeking a lovely person's heart such as your own! Bless you, Kate xx
At the young of age of seven, Jill's mother Eve takes her for regular sessions to a child psychologist for treatment of her anxiety, which only makes her behavior worse. When she reaches her teens, she starts drinking and then smoking marijuana with
TRUE STORY. Bella survived an abusive powerbroker father with organized crime ties, a drug-addicted mother and a physically/sexually abusive brother. Shocking & inspirational. When she couldn't cry, she tattooed a crying angel to cry for her.
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>>>I fully believe and have experienced that the love of God in the person of Jesus Christ is the only thing that not only mends, but recreates such that it is as though the pain was never there
***Thanks, Kate. My faith in Jesus Christ is all that has sustained me through loss mentioned above and the related losses of a place to live out my calling, my family of faith asking me (and my 5-year-old) to leave and a subsequent diagnosis with manic-depressive illness, emotional collapse and financial ruin. My own experience, however, has been that, in some instances, our wounds are not so quickly anesthetized or healed; I have discovered that on ocassions where my wounds are too deep for me to do anything at all, God takes my willingness to be real and honest and to seek healing and does something beautiful, whether or not the pain subsides.
I DO believe that God may, in time, choose to heal me as though the pain was never there as you suggest, although my life circumstance (in my everyday life and in my heart) simply does not allow me to search for love. And that is, of course, the greatest grief I feel... the one that has come closest to splitting me wide open. Thanks for your words and your always insightful reviews,
Dawn
~Nikki~
Truly sad and touching. Lisa
because your talent is endless! Beautifully written!
too bad we cannot turn our emotions off at will.....life would be so much kinder that way........
guys suck!
pax.......A