a short fiction story in the form of a poem

Chapter Ten
4:30 am

i plod my way out of our room
to the bathroom
walking carefully in the darkness
i don't want to wake you
it is too late now
to late for you
somehow these monsters
have convinced me
that your love is unreal
that i am not really here
i don't need to feel that i am here
i can make it all go away
and i believe them
i cannot sort out these thoughts
i cannot tell right from wrong
and in the bathroom
the cold tile beneath my feet
i forget to feel anything
i forget who i am

i remember
the day of your birthday
you called me
you told me you loved me
you asked me to meet you
at the train station
the next day at five
i cried
“i’m not staying here”
you said
“i need you”

standing there alone
at the train stop
waiting for you in the cold
the nail of my left
ring finger
clamped between my teeth
worrying and wondering
if you will recognize me
me in my now brown hair
my typically rebellious look
my innocence
the pride i held for myself
all erased now
standing here alone
just a shell of what i used to be
this shell
filled with little monsters
this shell
racked with diseases
that no one thought i had
this shell
medication lining me like satin sheets
killing my insides
forcing me into some sort of
trance-like state
medication making me
a person i do not recognize
will you recognize me
this broken down shell
this "drug addict"

the train pulls in
i scan the people around me
waiting for their own loved ones
people flow off the train
like water
there is laughter around me
happiness
crashing around me
filling my ears
my mind
making me foggy
you step off the train
my mind clears
you see me instantly
i see you sigh
you chest deflates
i see you swallow
hefting your bag up on your shoulder
you walk toward me
you stand looking at me
for just a moment before
you wrap your arms around me
i sink into your smell
your presence
and the shell of me
is filled
i fall in love all over again
around us people yell and talk
they display their excitement
their love
we are not one of these people
we stand on our own island
we are us
that is all we need

my white face in the mirror
looking lifeless
and haggard
in the fluorescent light
i am looking through myself
trying to get into the mirror
to get into my own mind again
i have been kicked out
i am running on auto pilot
it is too hard
i let go
i let myself be pulled along