How do I believe when your presence I could not feel?

How can I trust when I feel like you left and forsaken me?

How could my God my King watch such a horrendous scene?

I can’t believe you sat back and watched him touch me

Hurt me, violate me…

How can I call you Lord when I did not see your authority?

In that dark room… My hand you let go….

How could his touch destroy my body and my soul?

My ability to find rest and comfort in your arms

The coldness, Lord, froze the essence of my being

Naked and alone, fear crept in and grabbed a hold of me

And vividly I see it all over and over again,

Trying to erase his touch, his scent… But his touch still torments me…

My words he ignored… They caused me more pain

No air, no breath Lord, when you are suppose to be the air I breathe

You let him take my breath from me… I fought with all that I had

And I needed you to be my strength in weakness

So now I sit here after the years have passed searching for what I’ve lost

Desperately I want to find it... Can you hear my plea?

How long will you ignore me, how long will tan carpet cause me to remember

When will I be made whole again? I must understand who you were when this happened; I need to understand who you are to me now. I have tried this long to cope without you, because you let me down… You were my hope and my strength, so what now Lord... Will you answer because if you don’t who will….

 

Do you serve me because of who I am or because of what I do?

Do I love you because of what you do or because of whose you are, my child?

Am I worthy only in the promise land or am I worthy in the valley, and in the shadow of death? Who causes the sun to rise and gives joy and laughter? How would you know my goodness if you did not witness the presence of evil? You see where there is sin I am not, and the enemy steps in seeking who he can devour. I stand away from it; I can not be near it… With my arms open wide pleading, begging, to the point of tears and blood for you to come back, to stay with me. The enemy has done this… And my child he had a plan from the beginning of it all. For you to walk away and never return... For you to trust in your own ability and no longer mine... Can you see me in the room, did the Son of Man see His Father when they beat him and demolished his flesh. I cried and asked my Father why He had forsaken me… Do I not know your pain...? In fact I thought about it on my way up to the cross. I had to feel violated, abandoned, hurt and betrayed to understand your pain. Yet and still despite how I felt I knew that the Father’s will had to be done. Was it his will for me to endure the cross, of course it was? Is it His will for you to bare your own?? He got glory out of something so awful…  Will you allow me to get the glory out of yours? My peace, ask for it and I will give it, my comfort seek and you shall find. My authority I am either Lord of all or I’m not Lord at all. I am who I am, what will you allow me to be in your life and when will you seek me to be and do what I do best. I am your healing... I am your shelter I was then.  Can you see my grace…? I am now… I can and desire to be glorified even in that situation, but I am gracious and merciful and I am here. I know how many tears fell from your eyes that night, and I knew how much pain you could bare. I believe and know that you feel me calling you. Will you answer, let me restore you and make you whole again...?