The case of the murder of Humpty Dumpty...a story of crime and passion...

The case of the killing of Humpty Dumpty Who caused the death of that silly Numpty? What was he doing up on that high wall? And who or what had made him fall? Scotland Yard and Interpol Were on the scene, were in control The crime scene was under investigation And they held a massive interrogation They questioned the March Hare and the Mad Hatter But they knew nothing of the matter Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue But they didn't have a single clue Tweedledum and Tweedledee Were as innocent as they could be Wee Willie Winkie still in his nightgown Said the Piper's son Tom had gone and left town Then Alice said that the Caterpillar Could shed some light on this crime scene chiller So the Caterpillar and his friend Miss Alice Walked together up to the palace "Lord King," the Caterpillar said "Good Humpty Dumpty now lies dead. The Egg's poor body now lies broken, And 'tis time for the truth to finally be spoken" The poor Caterpillar was quaking with fear For he knew that the King would not wish to hear But the King merely nodded, and said "Son, be bold!" And this is the story the Caterpillar told The Egg had put on a bit of weight And the doctor had warned him of his fate If he didn't cut back, it could cost him his life "Too big in the bum", said his beautiful wife But the Egg had this terrible weakness for sweets And the Queen's tasty tarts were his favorite treats It all happened upon a warm summer's day The Egg, he just happened to pass by that way The Queen, she had baked up a fine batch of tarts To send as a gift to the good Knave of Hearts What the King didn't know and the Queen wouldn't tell She was a witch, who could cast any spell The spell she was casting that fine summer's day Was a spell that would make that old Knave obey Any word from her lips would be his command And he would fulfill each and every demand The scent of those tarts wafted off on the breeze Drove the poor hungry Egg right down to his knees He didn't care why, and he didn't care how He wanted those tarts, and he wanted 'em now Well, the Queen, she got busy with this and with that And the Egg, he snuck up just as quick as a cat Those tarts, they were gone as quick as a wink And the Queen didn't know just what she should think When the King heard about it his anger was hot And he sent that Knave to the dungeon to rot What the King didn't tell, and the Queen didn't know The King would not let his jealousy show He'd noticed the Knave eyeing his Queen His suspicions, it seemed, had turned him quite green That he fancied the lady, the King was quite sure And this situation he could not endure He knew that it caused his Queen great grief But he was sure the Knave was indeed the thief The Queen, she used her magic arts And she knew that the Egg had stolen those tarts Her plans for the Knave had been foiled And in her heart her anger roiled She swore that she'd make a retaliation Humpty Dumpty, she vowed, faced his cancellation She told him "The pastries you've eaten upon this day Have made you my slave, and you must obey Whatever I ask of you, you must do Although it should mean the end of you!" She led him out to the gates of the city That cruel old witch, she had no pity The Egg was as frightened as he could be "Look up," she cried, "what do you see?" He looked, and there was Little Jack Horner He had been lured out of his corner He was eating what looked like a Christmas pie And something beside him met the Egg's eye "I've baked you a treat that will make your heart merry Your favorite tarts, I know you love cherry! And now, I believe that it is time For you, my friend, to make the climb" The Egg could not resist at all And so he climbed up that high wall He sat right down beside young Jack They both sat there eating, back to back The Queen gave a nod, and the Egg felt a bump He fell to the ground with a sickening thump Little Jack Horner had stuck in his thumb To pull out a beautifully large, sweet plum When he jerked out that plum, he heard the Egg cry And Jack knew his elbow was the real reason why He looked down at his friend, and the sight made him sick So Jack split the scene, he got out of there quick When the Caterpillar finished telling his story Of murder most foul and death most gory The Queen had turned white and the King sat most quiet The whole town erupted, and there was quite a riot The White Knight was there, and he led the assault The King was in shock, he knew she was at fault He knew she was guilty, and she'd have to pay But he wept as he watched the knight take her away He winced as the crowd screamed "Off with her head!" And he knew that his queen would soon be dead And now, you know the real story Of murder most foul and death most gory