Hard to put to pen
Without a decent flow of wine
To wash anesthesia over my heart and mind
I’m still breathing out and in
Sometimes the only hint I have
That I’m still here to tell
Anything at all
What happened to the days of youthful ignorance?
Well, apparently I got old
And now it seems the only thing I’m good for
Is ‘bringing home the bacon’
For performing numbing tasks
That at least take my mind off
Of my heart scarred and aching
In the past there were days
When I thought that the worst things in life
Were enduring the healing of torn and broken love
And dealing with the pain and uncertainty of death
Unfortunately I have been enlightened
And now find these things a picnic so to speak
Sometimes I would trade enlightenment for a nice cancer
Often times I wish that I were more selfish
At times I wish that I felt nothing for another living soul but me
It would be great I think to wake up
And care only for myself and my immediate concerns
Like being out of lemons
When I want a slosh of tea
Sometimes over caring I would prefer a lobotomy
Now I feel myself going through the motions
I know I’m in here somewhere
Because I can still hear you when you speak to me
And when I allow myself to get too conscious
I still have to fight to fathom the new life you gave me
To push away what I can’t deal with
And to endure the helplessness I feel that I couldn’t save you
The last thing you said to me
Before you pulled that trigger was ‘game over’
For you it certainly was but not for me
I now endure the months of watching and hoping for healing
Of the heart that you annihilated with that ultimate selfish act
For you it was just impatience
And now I place bandages on myself while I try to care for the one that you hurt most
And my heart is not the one I worry so much about
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Ron
No. This poem (or whatever we can call it) is not about JAgs. JAgs is awesome and as supportive a partner as I could ever hope for. And she is doing her awesome works as usual for mankind.
What I am having a difficult time getting through is the suicide of my daughter's fiancee.
My daughter's fiancee of 7 years decided to leave my daughter while they were planning their wedding. Two weeks before her birthday.
He left her and moved in for a little while with an old girlfriend from high school.
However. CJ's birthday was in February. By April he deeply regretted what he had done and would have been begging her to take him back had she talked to him.
She was understandably very reluctant to talk to him under the circumstances.
He drove to my daughter's place of work, and requested to talk with her. My daughter was worried because Alex was quite intoxicated and she wanted to avoid a bad situation and had a friend drive her away by going out the back door.
When Alex realized she did not want to talk to him- he shot himself in the parking lot of where she works.
It was hard enough losing Alex. But watching her go through this is the hardest thing I have ever, EVER been through. Losing our Nancy this way was hard enough. This has just been the absolute worst.
Long time. The spirit of this is palpable and deeply moving. "Without a decent flow of wine" is certainly the key with some things. I know that from personal experience. I'll openly admit that reading this shook me because, for a moment, the idea that it might be about JAg drifted through. I rebuked that thought however. Not on this site much anymore. Glad I stumbled on this.
Happy Holidays! Love and peace... r
budd