to whom it may concern:

i understand.
i get you more than
you'll ever know
i too have crossed
the river
forded the waters
and given
completely
everything
flesh
bone
blood
and the heart that
pumps it.

i can feel you
i can feel your pain
i have an awareness that
no one knows we shared;
we both love the opposite
sides of the same coin -
one for you,
one for me.

i love her so much
it feels like
i would die for
her love
i would kill over
her love
i would die
without her love.

i fight the same demons.
i have talks with the mirror.
i have seen the devastation
in my own eyes
as their lids overflow
with why's and pain.

i have seen the edge
where with blade in hand
a slice was made on
tanned flesh,
ripping  small pockets
dropping red tears
from freshly pricked wounds,
hiding scabs until
they've turned into
explainable scars.

i have asked myself
why when she won't,
when she and i can't
seem to get it right
when everything
is wrong without
us -

wondering what it would
be like to
wake up and find
she's not there,
empty room
with an empty bed
devoid of her scent,
devoid of warmth
from where she once rested,
cold pillow on half
a cold bed,
like sleeping next to
a coffin.

so why not join in?
if she's not there,
if all that remains is
silence
then why do i
live at all?
why do i have ears,
if i am to never hear
her again?
why do i have eyes
if i am never to see
her again except
on a page,
in a corner,
in someone else's arms?
why smell, taste or touch
when her flesh
is but a passing memory
never to encompass my
body again or simply
share an equal existence?

you might as well take
away all the color
in the world, make life
black and white.
there is nothing more left
except gray ... dead skin gray.
so why not turn the metaphor
into reality?

and what stopped me that day,
only a week before you walked
the same trail and stood
at the same fork in the road?

she called.
were you crying, she asked.
no, just allergies, i replied.
are you lying, she asked.
yes, said i.
and then we talked.

i'm sorry he didn't call.
i'm sorry you didn't get
a reprieve.
why me and not you?
i don't know.
i wish i did.

perhaps it is getting

the side of the coin
with a heart.

god, i'm sorry you

missed his.

but you did something for me,
my dear, you showed me
that she was right -

if we'll just wait,
the world will change,
your turn will be coming
back again.

i feel like i shouldn't be
saying it, but i'm glad
i got a chance to find out
what waiting can bring.

and while i understand why,
i also know how letting go
actually lets it all in.

i wish you peace in spirit
and thank you for teaching me
what i would have missed.

at last, the giant sleeps
and i know i never want to
miss this.

i will never take my life away
or chip away my existence again.