My Mom is dying (poem) by Angels Are Near on AuthorsDen

My Mom is dying
by Angels Are Near → (All Poetry by Angels Are Near)
Tuesday, September 1, 2020 Rated "PG" by the Author.

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LOSS - My Mom is dying...

For years, I used to be full of words and poetic empathy on paper that released my pain…in prose or a poem…Yet, now, I cannot write, speak, cry or say ANYTHING. This is the first in a long while... After all, my Mom is dying. I cannot stop it. I cannot be there. I cannot see her. And when I call her, I cannot understand her. I cannot FIX This! And, I am furious that I cannot fix this! I WAS THE FIXER in the Family… This pain goes deeper than anything in my life. I want it to go away, yet, I don’t want my Mom to go.. Not Yet! There are things I need to say without being selfish as the youngest child. I need to SEE MY MOM! I need to say whatever she needs to hear so she can go peacefully. I have cast that burden upon myself, because that’s the way it always was, Mom and Me Against the World! We were alone and WE WERE so SAD and POOR for a long long time…I don’t think anyone knew how bad it become. I remember, because I WAS THERE when no one showed up! I was there to save her life the year I graduated from high school. I know in my heart that was meant to be. I’m not asking for recognition or a pat on the back…I am asking God right now to let me say Goodbye in person. I need to see her as much as she needs to see me! And, I will continue to pray that happens….Because, if it doesn’t happen, I will be so different, I will not be okay. I will collapse in the midst of my own life and responsibilities as I care for Daddy. It is as if I can see myself collapse...in slow motion! Being a Mother and the BEST Mom has always so important to me--- if I was blessed with a child! And, thank God in Heaven I was BLESSED with a son, Jack Rose. He stole my heart the moment he was conceived. He loves his MEME so much! YET, I LOVE HIM MORE! I cannot imagine not having a chance to say goodbye in person to my Mom. I can feel myself pre-grieving and then I envision myself falling apart…There’s no middle ground. I cannot see myself saying goodbye with a simple prayer by her bedside. My intuition has already told me she’s gone…and, I will never see her again. My heart aches and it’s breaking into pieces…and...so I pray, Dear Lord in Heaven, I do not know how to handle this. The pre-grieving part, I can handle most everything! Having said that, and, knowing that I may never have a chance to say Farewell, is killing me from the inside out. All the wrongs she made, we made right! All the obstacles we faced, we dealt with it and made right. It was the hardest part of my life to be a solo child of an Alcoholic. Yet, I never gave up on her, and she got help! Then she relapsed…but, I never stopped believing in her. And, she never stopped believing in me. It was this BOND we had that she didn’t have with anyone else. I never wanted anything but for Momma to be OKAY AND HAPPY. She didn’t stop drinking until my son was born, December 31, 2005. So many others didn’t believe in her, but, I did! They did NOT Believe that she was capable to be a good Grandmother/MEME and they held that against her. She deserved to be to be a Grandmother! And, I resent them for taking so much time away from her only grandchild! After all, I let my boundaries go free when I gave birth to Jack Rose. I never wanted him to have the baggage I carried. All I wanted is for everyone to have their own relationship with the ONLY GRANDCHILD ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY. I wanted and still want the BEST for my son! That did not come with my opinion, my experience, my lost childhood….NO! That’s NOT fair to Jack. I let my guard down (boundaries) for my Mom and family. In my heart I knew it was worth it even knowing how much it would hurt me in the long run... It was worth it for the sake of my only child to develop a relationship with everyone on his own terms, not mine. I have no regrets. I know I did the right thing. The blessing is so BIG! Watching her and Jack Rose, and the rest of the family bond and have fun…there are so many beautiful memories to be thankful for. As I pray, Dear Lord, please let me see my Mom again? I know I am co-dependent and not the best person to pray for this…Some say I just care too much or that I am an Empath... I don't care anymore what anyone thinks or says about me! I acknowledge my mistakes and beg for forgiveness. I pray that we will get to see her before she goes to Heaven. Dear Lord, I know she's ready. Even though I am NOT. In Jesus Name, Amen. Holly Lee a/k/a ANGELS ARE NEAR

Reviewed by Jms Bell

Reviewed on September 7, 2020

ISN'T IT GOOD TO KNOW THAT GOD'S PLANS...NEVER CHANGE? THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE ALLOWS WHATEVER HAPPENS IN OUR LIVES IS AN AWESOME MOUNTAIN OF STRENGTH TO HOLD ON TO. I PRAY THAT YOU ABSORB ALL YOU NEED TO GO THROUGH WHAT HE HAS ALREADY PREPARED YOU FOR, KNOWING GOD NEVER GIVES ONE MORE THAN WE ARE ABLE TO BARE. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T GET TO YOUR MOM PHYSICALLY BUT CERTAINLY IN YOUR SPIRIT...YOU ARE THERE! I AM A FIRM BELIEVER THAT, NO MATTER HOW IT LOOKS, ONE SHOULD NEVER STOP PRAYING FOR A SITUATION. OF COURSE, GOD'S WILL...WILL ALWAYS BE DONE. BUT WE STILL PRAY, FOR WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WILL DO? MIRACLES DO STILL HAPPEN. THANKS FOR SHARING. LOVE, BLESSINGS AND FAITH TO YOU...HIS+INSPIRATIONS

Reviewed by Ronald Hull

Reviewed on September 3, 2020

I cannot criticize you because I have not walked in your shoes. I was never codependent and thanked both my parents for allowing me to be independent and self empowering from at least 10 years on. I was always my mother's favorite and she doted on me whenever I visited after flying off to one of my adventures or living in one of the five places I lived in thousands of miles from her. That distance made our relationship distant, but not a great impediment, because we quite often visited each other, either I traveled there or my parents traveled here.

I think your primary lament is caused by the coronavirus and your inability to see your mother in person. My physical disability, her aging ailments, and the great distance between us caused us to see each other much less after the turn-of-the-century. With great effort and two caregivers, I managed to see her in 2011. She had suffered three mini strokes and was getting hard of hearing and had aphasia, affecting her speech and her writing� Jumbling the words. When I left, she cried, "I will never see you again." I promised myself I would, but not verbally to her.

When she became completely deaf and assisted living constraints and physical problems with her typing hands grew, I tried to get back there on two trips that I planned but failed to get the necessary caregivers to drive and care for me on the way. Fortunately, after dad died in 2005 after a long, four month fight with infection after surgery, that mom oversaw exclusively and suffered much doing, she soldiered on alone. At 95 with increasing painful ailments, she finally died on February 14, 2020, just before the pandemic struck. Fortunately, two, my sister stepped in and took care of her and her affairs from 2011 until her death. I owe my sister, her only daughter, a lot for doing so much for her, especially when mom got very bad near-death. The whole family looked to her death as a blessing and we did not grieve, but celebrated her release from all that pain.

Ron

Reviewed by E Phillips

Reviewed on September 2, 2020

Your words have drained me of emotions. My mom died when I was five, and I never got to say goodbye. Then my brother and best friend died when I was seven, and I never got to say goodbye. Now I never use that word. It was stolen from me. Twice burnt, and today I am strong as steel. And I write about a love I only met for a moment. I am not a lover, just a seeker. And that's half the battle.

Reviewed by Richard Cederberg

"I don't care anymore what anyone thinks or says about me!" A powerfully pivotal moment. When I reached this point in my life, some decades ago, I started to understand my humanness, and my creative strengths, far better than I ever had before. I lost my gifted mother in 1998. She was one of the three most influential women in my life. I learned, in her passing, that every one that grieves deeply for another must find their own way. Praying, and seeking the Most High God for wisdom and succor, is the wisest thing you can do. Thank you for sharing. Your honest unfeigned openness was very moving. I can affirm, from personal loss, that those we love never truly go away, they walk beside us every day, unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed, and very dear. Love and Light to you and yours... rlc

Reviewed by John Herlihy

We are living through difficult times, enduring things we never thought we would have to endure. Seeing one's mother, saying goodbye surely one of them. You mention at the beginning that you have written many things but now are having trouble writing this. It is such a heart-felt, enduring peace that I am sure many will benefit from, because, no doubt, there are very many people in the same situation as you are. Thank you for posting this love, sad piece of writing.