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Carmel S. Victor

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Why he's not the marrying type
By Carmel S. Victor   
Not "rated" by the Author.
Last edited: Thursday, March 04, 2004
Posted: Thursday, March 04, 2004

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Being in an intimate relationship with someone whose level of committment falls short of our expectation can be very disappointing for most. For women especially, this problem can be increased by a wider margin. We may find ourselves doing a few things among others:
1)Wait around until he "becomes" ready (God knows for how long!).
2)Pressure him into making a stronger committment that he's not ready for.
3)Feel rejected by his lack of committment.
4)Become bitter and promise to never date a man again.
5)Feel hurt and disappointed and cry our eyes out in our pillow.
No matter what the category you fit in, the bottom line is when a man is not ready to commit, know that the problem is him, not you. The only factor that you can control is whether or not you will stay with him.


Brendan and Sharon have been dating since the late 1980s, when they met in college.

Every holiday, every birthday, every major event, Sharon was on pins and needles. Would Brendan finally pop the question, produce a ring and ask her to marry him? And every holiday, every birthday, every major event, he didn't.

Friends began to scoff at her and her family reminded her that her biological clock was clicking away.

On a cold winter morning, Sharon came to a harsh but honest realization. Brendan just wasn't the marrying kind. She got the courage to ask him why. "It turns out he still had deep emotional scars from his parents' divorce when he was a child," she says. "He felt that marriage was too risky, too painful — so why bother?"

Sharon suggested counseling and even a trial period of living together but Brendan wouldn't budge. After three decades of dating, Sharon broke it off with Brendan. "I realized he truly wasn't the marrying type and that wasn't going to change," she says. "I just wish I knew sooner."

In addition to coming from divorced parents, there are others reasons why some guys aren't cut out for marriage. Here are a few others:

He needs his space

Some men aren't comfortable sharing their space and possessions with a woman, less alone sticky, smelly children that may come along. Here are a few signs that he prefers to be isolated: He's a perfectionist, he's extremely well organized and his place is cleaner and better decorated than yours is.

He's married to his work

Some guys live to work, not work to live. If his job is ever present, whether it's frequent business trips or constant shop talk, chances are the job will take priority over a marriage.

"Bill made it clear that if we even talked about marrying, the relationship would be built around his work," says Barb, an accountant. "That was ironic in that I made more money than he did."

He's been married before and got burned

Some guys refuse to look at their failed marriage as a "starter marriage" and instead are reluctant to saddle up again. A trial period together may help but he'll need a lot of pampering and therapy to get over his shell shock.

"I once got serious with a guy who was previously married and his big fear was being driven into bankruptcy again," recalls Marcia. "That's what kept him away from the altar."

He has gray hair, but he's still a 22-year-old emotionally

Some guys never get past the incredible feeling of independence that comes with being able to stay up as late as they would like to, eat whatever they want, drop their dirty laundry wherever they want and not get yelled at. That's a hard pattern to break.


Source: Sulsky

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Reviewed by m j hollingshead 6/19/2004
informative article

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