For the past few weeks I had noticed when I took deep breaths, I felt a sense of deep sadness.
I mentioned this situation to a friend and she said that I do not look unhappy. The statement was
Correct. I am outgoing and laugh and joke often when around friends.
Later during meditation I attempted to find out the source of this issue.
It was a very deep sadness that was hiding. It was a sense of betrayal, “how could you have done it to me?”
First attempt was to find out who may have caused this feeling to reside within me.
However, I knew from experience, when one points a finger at a person, three fingers point back to self!
I then realized that sense of betrayal was toward myself!
I wondered how I may have betrayed myself and why?
I realized that sometimes, I have a habit of solely focusing on what others want/need and ignoring listening to what I want and communicating my wishes.
I realized when I do things for others, out of obligation or assumptions, my energy diminishes and over time I become resentful.
The truth is that we can choose what we want and still others benefit from our heart-felt choices. The critical issue is the reasoning for doing anything: out of obligation or choice?
The betrayal occurs due to fears and lack of enough self-care. We stop listening to our heart and follow our old habits.
As part of healing my self-inflicted wound, the first step was to put sticky notes by my computer and mirror to remember a forgotten question:
What is it that I want?
Copyright .2021 by Shervin Hojat
I don't have a lot of doubt about my life and the direction it is headed. But I am in a bit of a rush to try to tie up loose ends before I go. My partner and caregiver is torn between obligation and herself. She hasn't had a vacation from me for many years. Whenever I tried to bring in other caregivers, she is suspicious that they will not take care of me the way she does. She's right, but she must let others do things in their way, just in hers.
Recently I hired, fortunately, a neighbor who already is a caregiver. She may be the key to my partner letting go and being able to tend to herself before she's too old to enjoy it.
Ron