Friends are of all kinds but the kind you want them to be.

Unquotable quotes: Friends - XV, Part One

If you stick your neck out for a friend, you’re more than likely to lose your head.

A friend is a potential enemy in disguise as a loving wife just before vowing ties.

Friends are of all kinds but the kind you want them to be.

A friend you use is a friend you abuse and who has no use of/for you.

The friend you call upon in need is always in greater need.

If you give a friend an helping-hand, make sure you take it back as soon as you can.

If you trust your friend with your girl, you’re the biggest dope in the world.

When friends meet, they always talk about beating meat.

If you take a friend to dine, make sure he leaves his horse behind.

The friend with daughters is the kind you wished sported blinkers.

A friend who works in banks, we always drop in - in person - to say thanks.

The friend’s wife even if she’s a bad cook is no chinook to hook.

If friends go on vacation with their wives, they always know who connives.

Friends who live close-up always end-up in the lock-up.

A friend with an axe to grind always uses it on some friend’s uterine.

A friendly father is one who takes a lasting interest in his daughter’s girl friends.

A friend who loans you some dough is always knocking on your door.

Only a friend who walks his dog picks the hour your wife goes out for a jog.

A friend at your beck and call must be wondering why you don’t him enthrall.

A friend by any other name is a still a friend you can put to shame.

A friend is someone you can entrust your shame with, but never your fame.

Keep your distance from the friend who shouts in your face for it’s a downright disgrace he spits in your face.

Friends who work for rival companies tend to share daily work memories.

Friends who work in different embassies are thick as thieves.

The greatest friends are those married couples with very large families who realize far too late they are/were really homo-sexuals.

Friends who give one another too many presents ought to look for friends who only give presents.

The best friends are those who need no psycho-analysts for they can see each other without waiting for appointments.

Childhood friends always end-up wishing their friends on other friends.

A friend of a friend always turns up for a spend or a lend.

Long lost friends who meet to go out for the night leave behind wives happy, whallop-py and tight.

Unquotable quotes - Friends - XVI - Part Two

Can friends also be lovers ; not certainly under covers.

Can friends do one another harm and stay calm ; not unless they have lost their sense of alarm.

Can you make a friend do what you will not do yourself ; what’s the use of having a friend who will not.

Can you ask a friend for a recommendation which will get you a better job than his ; if you were him, you’d check to see if the signature was his.

Can you ask the friend running the marathon race with you to keep you company until the end ; if he does, dump him before you take the last bend.

If you asked your friend to take your sick dog to the veterinarian’s and if he agrees, give him your chihuahua, your kakatua, your Siamese twin and your cochon d’Inde, for a start. Keep the anaconda for a little later.

If you have a friend who has a large family, especially of the right sex, ask him to bring his entire family to your nudist camp at the local beach for the club’s commemoration day ; if he doesn’t, he cannot be your friend, so try another ; if the fool does, make certain the battery pack for your movie camera is fully charged and within reach.

Can friends who know one another well enough share the same dreams ; yes, if they lick on the very same vanilla-flavoured ice-creams.

Can friends you call on the phone at home after hours not hang up before you do be trusted to fork out a loan for your mortgage payment ; if yes, then go and live with him or her at once.

Can a friend who backbites and carries tales about you be trusted to give your bride away at your seventh nuptials ? Yes, he most certainly can !

Can a friend who reviles his fellow candidates in an election primary be trusted to offer a longstanding friend a cabinet post in the event of a final resounding victory ? Indubitably, otherwise they wouldn’t be friends for that long anyway.

Can you let a friend take from you to give to a sworn enemy ; of course you can if you have been trying to get rid of her for a very, very long time.

Can a friend who never ceases to talk of having saved you from your friends be counted among your enemy’s best friends ?

Wives of friends who are always alone need to take up the trombone or trumpbone.

(c) T. Wignesan, Paris: Posted on Poetrysoup.com 2016. [Don't buy Blind Man's Lantern - I warn you as only a true FRIEND can!]