Jail can be a freeing experience...

Sobriety’s not what it used to be

There once was a time when I hung out in bars
And I drank till my mind overflowed
And I blithered and blathered
And shivered and slathered
Then left with one for the road.

On one occasion most inauspicious
The hand of the law caught me cold
They hauled me to jail
Without any bail
And threw away the key with the mold.

Ah yes, I paid a king’s ransom
To escape doing months of hard time
And I walked for a year
With my rear in low gear
A fair price for doing the crime.

Thirty years later now I’m still sober
And quicker of wit some would say
Still a blue flashing light
In the still of the night
Reminds me of that other day.

One night they again pulled me over
And asked me if I had been drinking
“Not this century,” I replied
More like Jekyll than Hyde
It wasn’t what he had been thinking.

“Count backwards from 100” said he
“And I’ll tell you when you can stop.”
“99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93
Now what am I offered
To sing like Joan Crawford
Tweedle dum tweedle dum tweedle dee?”

The handcuffs were tight in the chill of the night
As I hit the back seat of his cruiser
But I continued to count
As my retirement account
Fell to zero just like a boozer.