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Blogs by Helen C. Downey
Abuse...the beginings 7/11/2006 6:53:52 PM
Remembering of past events of physical and mental abuse can be hard on an individual.
( Sorry about the previous post on 7/11/06. Today is 7/14/06) The Pain Within
(I am thinking about the pain I have been through and it still hurts.)
Do you ever wonder what goes through my mind? Do you ever wonder why I sit and cry for no reason? Where are the tender hugs you once bestowed upon me? I can only imagine now, it was the encompassing of those strong arms of terror. Good for her. Has she ever felt the wrath of your back handed swing and watched as her body flung against the wall fifteen feet across the room. Has she felt you large clenching hands wrapped around her fore arms while you were slamming her against the wall… leaving her with marks of shame?
I sit across the living room and watch as you intently view the large television set listening to Hanity and Colms. You argue with them as if they were in the same room with you while I sit in silence and I am not spoken to. It has been years that the silence has been between us. Slowly and clearly I see what had happened so many years ago. The fool in me let you destroy me. I don’t know if it had been because of the children that I wanted to hide the truth from or was it me. I believe it was me since the children came to me with the truth from which they knew. The children tell me I was a fool for living in the hell that I did, but I told them it was my life and he would pay…or would he? My motto was, “Every time he looks at me he will remember how much he has hurt and torn me apart.”
All well and good, but it has been killing me as well. Oh yes, he does look guilty every time he looks at me. Forgetfulness of past wrongs has been elusive in his dead brain but not in mine. Replay of those past wrongs in vivid color remind me daily that I may have appeared to be a stupid blonde, but I now have many stories to tell. It does not matter how painful they may be because they need to be told for therapeutic reasons.
He continues to watch that stupid large screen as salty tears stream down my puffy cheeks. Yes it hurts, I will not deny that. I guess he never really loved me. I was only a mother figure to him to wash his clothes, clean the house, and feed his 360 pound carcass that towered six feet three inches. There have been a few funny episodes during the years.
One of the most shocking incidents to him was at the beginning of our marriage was when I killed a pizza! We had picked up a pizza at his favorite pizza shop. As we drove away from the pizza shop in the car I was being instructed on how to hold the pizza correctly. I was insulted with this demurring speech he was giving me. That was it! I snapped. I am not a violent individual, but if you push me a little too far, (as with any normal individual,) I then became very angry. Steam could be seen emanating from the top of my head. I looked at him sternly deep into his beady little green eyes and without a word spoken I punched the pizza box several times. Quickly I opened the car door, got out and threw the pizza box on the ground. Haughtily I walked briskly away from the car. I turned around to see what he was doing…he was saving the pizza. To his surprise the pizza was in good condition. It had landed unharmed on the ground and was not smashed nor harmed in any way…I took note of this as I watched him open the lid of the pizza box. He smiled at the pizza, closed the lid and picked it up placing it in the back seat of the car. THen he called for me to get back in the car..I did as I was told since I really didn't want to walk the many miles home. All he learned that day was that I was not going to take his verbal abuse. Hmm. Well that only lasted a few days. There are more tornados along with large hail to come.
