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Blogs by Vanessa Buckner
well ... a very deep subject 1/29/2007 6:50:55 PM
Someone in my high school used to say that to me.
I was always expecting real conversations, so I thought he wasn't very bright, but I guess he thought it was funny.
And now I've used it, and remembered him ... that reminds me that i have a high school reunion coming up. I haven't been to any of my high school or college reunions. I'm not sure why, other than not looking forward to seeing how much people had changed. I guess if I thought my former good friends were having great lives, that would be well and good ... but I guess I worry it'll all be people I either didn't like or didn't know very well, and we'll pretend to have had things in common. And those that I outright did not like might be doing well. And beloved teachers gone. And so on. How did I get to thinking about reunions?
Oh, yes, the well.
Well ...
I haven't been onto authorsden since the very beginning of the year. Though I am tracking two authors, and I get alerts every few days that one or the other of them has added a poem or story. But for myself, it's been a struggle.
I felt today as if I were waking from a dream. Into reality. Why now? I'd love to know.
But it has been difficult for a while ... despite me being overjoyed (and still somewhat in shock) about finding my life's partner, there are the difficult things. The things I'm getting used to. The things he tries to change in me, or correct, some of which he will discover will *not* change. And in other ways, I've already adapted and changed, of course.
We worry about getting ahead. I spend so much energy helping to keep him positive - because he believes there is something out there working against him, or maybe everything is against him - that I seem to have none left for actually moving forward.
It's not even a balancing act yet ... once I start the plates spinning, he hops onto one of them and starts careening around. I need to show him how to spin the plate instead of being spun by it. And to get off of my plate and stand beside me.
Of course, in other ways, he is in charge of himself, and plays a very large part in forging our future together. I am very sure that he is the right person to stand beside me, and to be the father of my children. We both talk about marriage and children in the future, and it is not a game; we can be playful, but we both have this intention. It's the first time I'm met someone so like-minded. On the other hand, despite this, we *are* very much different people. Sometimes we clash, one thinking the other should be more like one's self, or that the other is inconsiderate, when really, we are just different people.
All in all, it's amazing. The parts that are hard for me seem lighter than air when I think about why I've taken them on. And I know that for Dave, there is very little about this that seems hard - it's life outside of the relationship that he battles (once again, we *are* different). I believe we were meant to be together. Now here *IS* a hard part. Some of our similarities are in our weaknesses. How to overcome those? For example, where I might be undisciplined about, say, tracking spending, he is just as bad. So to keep us from drowning together, one of us has to learn to be different than we ever have been. Yes, that is hard. How do you get the answers when you don't even know the right questions? But if we can figure them out, it will all be worth it.
