Whatever made me think… I don’t know... was I even thinking? thinking… the night, fresh, young as the dreams the dreams… we dreamed like verses… verses… freshly spoken not yet touched by the new day… new day... let’s dance, you said, follow my steps steps… steps… and I followed in semidarkness we danced… danced… to Hoagy’s tune we’ll have a whiskey you said, and I was thirsty… I was thirsty… what was I thinking… thinking… I wonder… as I see the door close behind you… behind you… and all that echoes in my mind… my mind… is a memory… of us and a dream and that night… vanishing like stardust… stardust… fading…fading...
v effective especially the repetition & combinations, reminds me a bit of lorcas at five in the evening, which i translated. i was a bit worried of it getting too long & verbose but it maintained its tension throughout & clarity together with the starkness of mood.
Wow, Carmen, there is little I can add to the comments below but to say you have really made your mark with this one - wonderfully crafted and we have all picked up on your "special effects" with the repeats! To me this also has the impact of denial or disbelief - either that the scene ever took place or that it is over. Very dramatic! I don't know about stardust fading - to me it has quite a gently explosive effect - like starBURST!! Thank you for this lovely write. Kate xx
Oh, hell, I like this. I LOVE the way that you used repeated words within the poem. It made one thing of a echo within the verses and that was just how you were thinking your thoughts. Yes. This was different. This was good.
Reviewed by Thomas Lanechanger (Reader)
Reviewed on July 29, 2004
Carmen, I think it’s really wonderful how you use the repetitiveness within the verses of this very uniquely well-orchestrated descriptive write. Have you been hanging out at the supermarket again…lol. Only kidding my friend. I enjoyed the read. Well-done, Poet.
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this one sings to my soul--kept me entranced by your melody--BRAVA!
(((HUGS))) and love, karla. :)
Robert
Enjoyed!
blessin's Sis,
cynth'ya
Enjoyed reading you!!
Love Tinka
Reindeer
so real with the touch of romantic fantasy thrown in...;-)
almost like a song, with a back beat.