Sword Sister W.I.P. (poem) by john k zimmerman on AuthorsDen

Reviewed on March 29, 2003

"I threw down my sword and ran: all who had stood with me had fallen,"
I don't know where you start from and if you put the second part first, I'd like it better.

"The length of the sleeping barge I ran,"
Again, I'd like it better if youu put "I ran" in the beginning.

naked but for me shift
I don't know what the word "shift" is doing there.

"Through the arrow stream I Ran; honour abandoned over the rail
Like an arrow I flew. Deep into the sea, the raft-kin shelter, I fled."

I like it. I don't like the "i fled being at the end, though"

"Deep I dove."
This sort of works for me, though...

"Child of the ShelteringSea, wave daughter, seal�s sibling."
Love it.

Hard I swam and well away from hearth and home, away from Raiders fury."
For somme reason the split infinitive seems to work here, where it didn't before.

Burning lungs forced me up, air seeking,

How about burning for air...?

"Risking death to forestall dying"
I'm Confused again.

"Deep breaths, three slow breaths then down, back down into the ShelteringSea."
Like it a lot.

Love: "preserving my life beneath the wave"s
and "Hiding my shame below the swells
Sister of the sword, " and, " honour lost
Siblings lost."
.

�

Reviewed by Trixie Love

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

Hi John,
Interesting indeed...

Great job...
Trixie :)

Reviewed by Erica Ivory

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

LOL.. John you will have a huindred ways to change this..
You and you alone know when it is
R I G H T...for you.. Personally I like it just the way it is.. Now i would love to read the story.. See the change.
Great write..
100+

Reviewed by Mark Rockeymoore

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

i want to read this as a short story. i like what i've read here, it reads like you have a native feel for the epic fantasy. that's one of my genres, so if you ever decide to drop this as a short story, i'd definitely check it out.

Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor (Reader)

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

My only suggestion is if you keep it as a poem, to shorten your lines to phrases to read as free verse. It has more impact with a reader, and makes it easier to follow. The lines are lovely.
~E

Reviewed by Trish - The Trickster

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

I think you have a book in the making...a gret triumph if this is anything to go by. Good luck ~Trish~

Reviewed by Kate Clifford (Reader)

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

An interesting tale and wonderful descriptions. Will be interesting to see where you take this.

Reviewed by Tinka Boukes

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

very nice piece john....glad to see you did not drown ;)...you have be careful next time we dont want you dead.....you write on
Love
Tinka

Reviewed by Andre Bendavi ben-YEHU

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

"Sword Sister W.I.P.". The Author was diving in the sea of imagination. It seems to me that he saw the protean marines inviting him to play in a deeper pool of intuition, when he saw Poseidon sleeping over the water, and felt concerned about his siesta.

No, dear Author, this "Sword Sister W.I.P." can't be a short one. It must become a book.

I did enjoy reading this striking masterpiece.

I Salute the Author of "Sword Sister W.I.P."

Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU

Reviewed by ya mama (Reader)

Reviewed on March 28, 2003

john this is nice work, you may find toning down language may actually help it. don't be too dramtic. also say what you want to say by SHOWING in a way you (and thus your reader) never thought would reflect your meaning. did i make myself clear?